Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

The Suze Orman Show

Suze Orman.....Kristen Wiig
Josiah from Miami.....Shia LeBeouf

Announcer: It's "The Suze Orman Show".

Suze Orman: Welcome back, my friends. Now... before we get started... I need to answer a VERY important question I have been asked ALL month long... and yesterday... while I was at a playdate... for... my cat. "Suze: how do you keep your highlighted wedge haircut looking so full of volume... at... the root?" Well, my dear friends, this lady is about to spill... the beauty... beans. Twice a month, I borrow my friend's speedboat and go 180 miles an hour, all the way around Mexico... to California. Then, I buy a compact car and drive... directly... to Pam & Jan's female-specific barber shop and color house... in Phoenix, Arizona. [ show photo ] And that... is... Pam... and... Jan.

Moving on. Now, a lot of you have gotten something in the mail... this month... that looks... just... like this. [ holds up Treasury check ] Looks familiar, my dears? It's your economic stimulus check, and Uncle Sam... wants you... to blow it... full-tilt -- boom! I know you're probably thinking I'm gonna tell you to take that check... put it in a rusty Sucrest tin... and hide it in a hatbox that is meant to look old, but is new, and you got it at TJ Max! Ohhhh, no! Listen, my sweet dearies... I'm gonna say something... that I have never... said before -- and it is not "I love the smell of a man." It is... go ahead and spend this money... on whatever you like. I did. I bought this: [ grabs at her jacket collar ] not the jacket, just the snap-on collar. [ she removes the collar ] I can add it on to any jacket... or even my evening loungewear robe, which, in essence, is... a Western... chenille-style... floor-length jacket.

Now, we have time for one guest today, and I am very excited to meet him. Joasiah? How are you... my luscious... sweet... dipsy doodle?

Josiah from Miami: I'm not so freakin' good.

Suze Orman: Okay, boyfriend... lay it on me like a lead X-ray bib... at... the dentist.

Josiah from Miami: Okay. I live in Miami. I'm a clu -- I'm an owner of a nightclub/sensual buffett called Regrets. And, let's just say it's not as packed as it used to be, Suze.

Suze Orman: [ grinning ear to ear ] That, my friends, is what she said!

Josiah from Miami: That's a good one... that's a good one. Anyway, I got my stimulus check -- I can't decide if I should boost morale, give my employees bonuses, or get a five-o'clock shadow tattooed to my face.

Suze Orman: Okay, Josiah -- hold your hot dog, 'cause here comes... a scoop... of chili-cheese... advice. Many years ago, I lived in Miami and [ makes quote signs ] "shared expenses" with a girl named Bert. She was the spitting image of Military Elvis, so I know alllll about how hard it is to keep up with... the beautiful people... of Miami. So... to that, I say YES to the face tattoo. Not many people know this... but I've got a tattoo of decorative buttons going down my chest, so, no matter what, I look like I'm always... wearing... a jacket!

Josiah from Miami: Well, thank you, Suze. And, listen: if you're ever in Miami, come over to Regrets; I'll introduce you to my Mom, she's a Fonzie impersonator.

Suze Orman: Sorry, Josiah... but I am spoken for... so tell your mom... to "sit on it"! [ she laughs ]

Josiah from Miami: You're good with the money... you're good with the funny, you old nut bag!

Suze Orman: Well... that's all for this week, my sweet lover angels. I'm going to leave you with a few money-saving tips... just for the ladies... that I... cannot... live without.

#1: Don't waste your money on expensive self-tanners. Do what I do: sit in a bath tub with twelve beef bullion cubes... overnight.

#2: You need a hot stone massage? Don't go to the parlor. Slather on some I Can't Believe It's Not Butter... and roll around on a gravel driveway.

And, finally: instead of buying fancy maxi-pads... you... can make... your own. Go to the Dollar Store... buy a twenty-four pack of baby socks... and... some double-sided tape.

Tune in next week, and, in the meantime, remember: people first... then money... then things. Then, homemade maxi-pads.

[ fade ]

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