Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 12






07l: Steve Carell / Usher

A Couple of A-Holes Do Karaoke

Timone.....Kenan Thompson
Peter Pops.....Steve Carell
Male A-Hole.....Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on sign: "Karaoke Tonight" ]

[ dissolve to Timone singing Bryan Adams' "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" onstage ]

Timone: That was for you, Anna Nicole Smith -- we miss you, baby! [ he pounds his chest ]

[ Peter Popps, the emcee, steps up on stage ]

Peter Pops: Let's give it up for Timone! so much emotion in that young man every single week! Alright -- if you've just arrived, I'm your host, Peter Pops. Welcome to Karaoke -- and I hope you can carry... a tune. Okie?

Voice: You used that joke last week!

Peter Pops: [ he chuckles ] It's Random Draw Night, which means it's not first-come, first-sing. So, next up -- and I hope that you are ready -- [ he reaches into the fishbowl and pulls out a slip of paper ] And... okay. There's gum on this. Who did this?

[ cut to the Two A-Holes sitting in their seats chewing gum ]

Male A-Hole: That's us, bro! [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Ready to sing, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah!

[ Cut to a slide which looks like a karaoke screen with title captions on it ]

Announcer: [ cheerfully ] And now... Two A-Holes do Karaoke.

[ dissolve back to karaoke bar ]

Peter Pops: Alright. Looks like we got a couple first-timers. You know me -- I'm Peter Pops. And you are?

Male A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Bored.

Female A-Hole: It's so stupid in here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do something to make it SUCK less.

Peter Pops: [ chuckles ] Alright, I'm trying. Um -- do you have a song that you would like to sing?

Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?

Female A-Hole: Where are our outfits?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where do we change?

Female A-Hole: I won't wear wool.

Male A-Hole: She's afraid of sheep.

Peter Pops: Okay. Yeah. No, you don't change clothes. Have you ever seen karaoke?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know this stuff.

Peter Pops: Okay, good.

Male A-Hole: So where's the band?

Female A-Hole: I wanna play bongos.

Peter Pops: Nnnnno. no, this is karaoke, there's no band.

Male A-Hole: Alright, he fired the band, babe.

Peter Pops: No. No. I didn't fire anybody.

Male A-Hole: Oh, they quit, huh?

Peter Pops: No. No. Nobdy quit. There's no band.

Male A-Hole: What, are they on strike? Is there a union thing?

Peter Pops: [ aggravated ] There's no band!

Male A-Hole: Was it a plane crash, like "La Bamba"? Aaliyah? What, too soon?

Peter Pops: No. Alright, now listen to me: there is no band, the music is played from C... Ds.

Male A-Hole: CDs, huh? Like CDs nuts? [ he laughs smugly ]

Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. You need to give me the name of your song, or we're gonna have to move on to somebody else.

Male A-Hole: [ turns to Female A-Hole ] You ready, babe? [ she looks at him but doesn't respond ] Ready to do some karry-okes? [ silence as she chews with her mouth open ] You ready to roke it, babe? Get our roke on? [ she continues chewing silently ] Babe? Roke?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yea-ah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we're ready.

Peter Pops: O-kay. Well, then what would you like to do?

Male A-Hole: What do you want to do, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna do stand-up.

Male A-Hole: She wants to tell some jokes.

Peter Pops: Okay -- no, lady. You're supposed to sing.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we're gonna tell jokes instead. Watch. [ he grabs the microphone and brings it closer ] Hey, babe, what are you afraid of?

Female A-Hole: Sheep.

Male A-Hole: Oh, yeah? What kind of dreams they give ya?

Female A-Hole: Ba-a-a-a-add.

[ people in the crowd begin to laugh ]

Peter Pops: No! Don't laugh!

Male A-Hole: Yeah, pretty good, huh?

Peter Pops: No, she's awful, in many ways.

Male A-Hole: You wanna see her impressions?

Peter Pops: I'd rather not.

Male A-Hole: Okay. [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Babe, do a cow eating grass.

Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open ] "Moo."

Male A-Hole: [ chuckles ] Huh! Boo-yah! Yeah. Now, do Yoda eating grass.

Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open, and raises her hands next to her ears ] "Moo."

Male A-Hole: Yeah! May the force be with you, babe!

Female A-Hole: And also with you.

Peter Pops: Alright, the two of you are going to have to leave! Next!

Male A-Hole: Uh, no -- we're gonna sing now.

Peter Pops: Oh. Okay. Fine, what's your song?

Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, don't worry, she's got one.

Peter Pops: [ fuming ] What is it?

Male A-Hole: Tell him, babe.

Female A-Hole: Guess.

Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess.

Peter Pops: Uh -- what? I don't know. "Baby Got Back"?

Female A-Hole: No.

Male A-Hole: No.

Peter Pops: Uhhh -- "Since U Been Gone"?

Female A-Hole: Uh-uh.

Male A-Hole: Wrong.

Peter Pops: "Brown Eyed Girl"?

Female A-Hole: Ew!

Male A-Hole: That song's gross!

Female A-Hole: It's about butt sex.

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

Peter Pops: NO!! No, it is NOT about -- okay, alright, okay... okay. Um -- why am I guessing? Just tell me what the song is!

Female A-Hole: I want to sing "Baby Got Back".

Peter Pops: [ aghast ] I said that! That's the first one I said!

Female A-Hole: You said "Baby Got Back".

Peter Pops: Yeah. So?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] It's "Baby Got Baaaack".

Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. Whatever. Fine. Ladies and gentlemen -- "Baby Got Back"!

[ Peter Pops steps off stage as the song begins ]

[ the music plays, but the Two A-Holes don't say a word ]

[ steam blows out of Peter Pops' ears ]

[ suddenly, Peter Pops jumps onstage and begins blurting out lyrics from "Baby Got Back" ]

Peter Pops: Okay, okay -- get out! Get out of here!

Male A-Hole: Okay, let's go, babe, they're closing.

Peter Pops: No! No! We are NOT closing! YOU'RE closing! I am closing YOU down! You ruined it! You ruined the ONLY thing that I love! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ to Peter Pops ] You look like Eddie Rabbitt.

Peter Pops: ROT IN HELL!!!

[ Peter Pops runs off stage ]

Male A-Hole: [ chuckling ] Say good night, babe.

Female A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Good night, babe.

[ the crowd cheers for them ]

[ fade ]


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