Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 12/white>


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07l: Steve Carell / Usher

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Amy Poehler
.....Seth Meyers
.....Sen. John McCain
Rev. Jesse Jackson.....Darrell Hammond
Rev. Al Sharpton.....Kenan Thompson

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler! And here are tonight's top stories.

On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president.

It's believed that Edwards' endorsement of Sen. Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote.

A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court, on Thursday, overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry.

Seth Meyers: [ show photo of Paterson hunched over a bill ] This week, New York State Governor David Paterson signed into law the new Studio 54 bill.

John Hammons, a 19-year-old freshman at the University of Oklahoma, became the mayor of Muskogee this week when he was the last person in town to shout: "Not it!"

Amy Poehler: According to a new report by the Energy Department, wind turbines can produce a fifth of the nation's annual electricity needs within about two decades. Which could drastically reduce our dependence on foreign wind.

Seth Meyers: While the battle for the Democratic nomination rages on, the Republican party settled on their nominee months ago. Here now with a message to voters, that nominee -- Sen. John McCain!

Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Seth... Amy. I'd like to begin tonight by thanking Republican voters. We're gearing up for one of the most pivitol elections in this nation's history, and I'm honored to be part of it. But I also want to speak to Democrats. I know we don't see eye-to-eye on every issue. But I also believe we respect one another. That's why I want to give you this piece of advice: Democrats, I have to urge you to NOT, under any circumstances, pick a candidate too soon. [ he grins ]

Seth Meyers: [ slightly confused ] Oh. Oh, so you don't think Hillary should drop out?

Sen. John McCain: Absolutely not.

Amy Poehler: I told you.

Seth Meyers: Cool it!

Amy Poehler: You cool it!

Sen. John McCain: [ smugly ] That's right -- fight amongst yourselves.

Seth Meyers: [ taken aback ] What - what -- what did you say?

Sen. John McCain: Nothing. [ he shakes his head ] But what I want to say to the Democrats is this: you have two incredibly talented candidates. Why not take every possible second to weigh each of their pros and cons? For all you know, there are a bunch of cons you don't even know about yet. Cons that won't reveal themselves should you choose a candidate too early.

Seth Meyers: Well, but of course, the convention is in late August so I guess that would be the deadline.

Sen. John McCain: What's the rush, Seth? I'd urge Democrats not to get caught up in the idea that the candidate has to be decided by the time the convention ends. I've been to a lot of conventions and they are a lot of fun. But when they end, there's always that empty feeling of, "Oh well, we've picked a nominee, I guess the party's over." Imagine the excitement of leaving the convention and STILL not knowing who the nominee was? That would be crazy -- crazy exciting! And if, come November, you still haven't decided, I'd be willing to set aside my differences with your party and say: "Hey, let's put BOTH of them on the ballot!" I'll support you on that. It's the least I can do.

In conclusion, I want to add that I also thought John Edwards had a lot of good ideas, and you might want to kick the tires on him one more time. Thank you, and God bless America.

Seth Meyers: Sen. John McCain, everybody! Thanks a lot!

Amy Poehler: President Bush said in an interview that he gave up golf in 2003 in support of the troops, because he thought playing golf during a war just sends the wrong message. You know what else sends the wrong message? Literally sending the wrong message! [ show photo of Bush standing in front of "Mission Accomplished" banner ]

Taliban insurgents have ordered residents of a province near Kabul to stop watching television, saying the networks were showing un-Islamic programs. Most notably, the popular Afghani soap opera "The Woman Who Went Outside".

Seth Meyers: Britney Spears was involved in another car collision on Tuesday, when she hit the back of an SUV in Beverly Hills. Damage was minimal, though, as Spears was on foot.

According to new research from the U.S. government, heavy marijuana use could reduce blood levels in particular protein, raising a person's risk of a heart attack or stroke.

Amy Poehler: [ alarmed ] Oh, no!

Seth Meyers: Oh no, don't panic. The study says you'd have to smoke an average of tne joints a day.

Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed ] Oh, no!!

Seth Meyers: No. You'd have to smoke the ten joints a day every day for the last twnety years.

Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed than ever ] Oh, nooooo!!!! [ pauses ] Wait. What are we talking about?

Seth Meyers: Nothing.

Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] Good!

This week, Nintendo launched a new game for the Wii system, called Wii Fit, which is an exercise program that comes with a balance board and features a virtual trainer. And in just twelve weeks, you'll go from looking like this: [ show tubby fellow ] to looking like this: [ show Mario ]

A Dutch train driver was suspended this week after accidentally leaving on the train's PA while masturbating. Said the train driver, "I think I can... I think I can... I think I can... I think I can!"

Seth Meyers: With more superdelegates going his way, Barack Obama is poised to clench the Democratic nomination. Here with some advice for Sen. Obama, are the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Whoo-whoo-whoo!! Yes!

Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Tonight, we pause and praise and give thanks... for the opportunity... to address you, Mr. Barack Obama. For 2008, the dream of a Black president seems genuine... actual... and America-factual!

Rev. Al Sharpton: It's for real!

Jesse Jackson: But... the Democratic nomination is NOT... a presidential coronation... and rat-a-tat-tat! Uh -- last week, 20% of Hillary Clinton voters in West Virginia... said that race was a dominating factor IN their vote!

Rev. Al Sharpton: It's a disgrace!

Jesse Jackson: Barack Obama, the truth is unfortunate, yet indisputable. This race is inexplicably tied... to race.

Rev. Al Sharpton: It's a RACE race!

Jesse Jackson: Yes, sir. Embrace your race... for you cannot erase... your face! So, tonight... we intrigue you... of the vigilant. for, as close as you are to the presidency... you know from our people's history what could happen. One mistake, and --

Together: They take it away!!

Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, it's fine to not wear a flag pin on your lapel...

Rev. Al Sharpton: But it you're gonna wear a dashiki --

Together: They take it away!!

Jesse Jackson: It's okay to be close to the African-American community leaders...

Rev. Al Sharpton: But get your picture taken with Farrakhan --

Together: They take it away!!

Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, you a smoker, so it's fine to partake of a cigarette here and there...

Rev. Al Sharpton: But if it's a whole pack of Newport menthols --

Together: They take it away!!

Jesse Jackson: It's fine to have the media talk to women from your past...

Rev. Al Sharpton: But if they dig up ONE baby mama --

Together: They take it away!!

Rev. Al Sharpton: And they might throw your ass in JAIL!!

Jesse Jackson: Easy. Mr. Obama... you must never let them take it away. For ONLY if you're calculated... and midolated... will the presidency finally be consecrated!

Rev. Al Sharpton: You're up in the polls. I wouldn't even leave your house until November!

Seth Meyers: The Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, everyone!

Amy Poehler: A ten-year old boy in California has entered his sophomore year at East Los Angeles College, where he's receiving the equivalent of a fourth grade education.

Seth Meyers: A man in Australia has been fined after buckling a case of beer with a seat belt, but leaving a five-year old child to sit on the car's floor. Earning him the title of World's Most Australianist Man.

The owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which offers visitors a close-up look at male reproductive organs of several species, says that four men have promised to donate their penises after their deaths. You know, I'm thinking I may do that.

Amy Poehler: Really? I didn't know they had a miniatures collection. [ raises her arm for a high-five ] Up top!

Seth Meyers: Why -- why would I high-five you on that? Why would I do that?

Amy Poehler: Because if you get mad, it looks like it's true!

Seth Meyers: [ high-fives Amy ] Up top! Yeah!!

Amy Poehler: Whoa!

Seth Meyers: Funny joke! Funny joke! Not true. So funny, though.

Amy Poehler: This week, a man said he survived a shark attack by wrestling with the animal and then poking it in the eye. As a result, the man has been banned from the Coney Island Aquarium.

Seth Meyers: A man in Florida us suing, after he was ticketed on the beach for wearing a speedo. Though, in fairness, he was wearing it as an ascot. What a fancy man.

A Swiss man, this week, successfully tested a new device he built, which is a retractable wing with four jet engines strapped to his back. In an interview, the man said he envisions a day when everyone will die this way.

Amy Poehler: A growing number of communities across the country are moving to prevent sexual predators from becoming ice cream truck drivers. In particular, drivers for Mr. Touch Me Not-So-Softy.

Seth Meyers: Astronauts living on the international space station will soon be getting their drinking water from a new system that recycles their urine into drinkable water. Said one space staton astronaut, "It would have been nice to get a heads-up on that before we got here."

For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Good night!


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