Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1


















08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

The Michael Phelps Diet

.....Michael Phelps
.....Jared Fogle
Diet guy....Will Forte
Diet Girl 1....Casey Wilson
Diet Girl 2....Amy Poehler
Before and After models....Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig




[Opens with a girl looking at a jar]

Announcer: Are you tired of counting calories?

[Girl nods yes]

[A guy is eating a sorry looking plate of food]

Announcer: Are you sick of tiny portions and food that taste like cardboard?

[They guy nods yes]

Announcer: What if there were a way to get the results you want without sacrificing the food you love.

[Cut to Olympic champion Michael Phelps]

Michael Phelps: Hi, I'm Olympic champion Michael Phelps. You know, I had to sacrifice a lot to earn 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. But one thing I never sacrificed was a good meal. And neither should you. [Camera pans back and reveals a table filled with steaks, hot dogs, donuts, a big jar of Nutella] Introducing the Michael Phelps diet. The only diet that lets you eat whatever Micahel Phelps eats. As you can tell, it works wonders for me.[Photo of Michael screaming while winning the gold at the Olympics games, his body is ripped with muscles]

[Cut to the Diet guy]

Announcer: Hungry for a delicious, nutritious breakfast?

Diet guy: I sure am.

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: Well, how about 3 fried egg sandwiches, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, a bowl of grits, a 5 egg omelet, french toast with powdered sugar and a gallon of coffee ice cream.[puts the gallon down on the table that is filled with pancakes and all sort of foods]

Diet guy: Wow!

Announcer: Tired of suffering through a salad at lunch?

[Diet girl nods yes. Michael gets next to her]

Michael Phelps: Then cozy up to a pound of pasta, 3 Cuban sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise, a fried turkey stuffed with molasses, a barrel of Halloween candy and to wash it all down? A barrel of Hollandaisse sauce.[puts barrel on the table]

Diet girl: Now that's a lunch!

Michael Phelps: And for dinner a whole pork butt[image of pork butt], two piņatas filled with corned beef hash[image of piņatas], 4 wedding cakes[images of cakes], an actual pig in a blanket[image of roasted pig with a blanket on top], a tub of pasta Alfredo[image of filled tub]. You can eat whatever you like as long as it adds up to 12,000 calories a day.

Caption: Warning: Caloric intake based on 4,000 laps a day at world-record pace.

Michael Phelps: Can you believe it? Is that simple.

Announcer: Imagine the body you always wanted with a diet that seems to good to be true.

[Image of a thin guy in a Before picture. The After picture the guy is a fat pig]

[Image of a happy go-lucky guy in a Before picture. The After picture is the word DIABETES]

[Image of a thin lady in a Before picture. The After picture is a coffin]

[A thin lady on a picture. The same lady talks next to the picture]

Diet girl 2: I've been on the Michael Phelps diet for almost 2 weeks and people are already coming up to me and saying "Congratulations"[reveals a big-ass stomach] Because they know I found the perfect diet.

[cut to diet guy]

Diet Guy: I've never felt this full before!

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: And you haven't even touched your bacon-wrapped sausage, your buttered wrapped meatballs or your two other geese.

Diet guy: Dream body, here I come![grabs a handful of pancake]

[cut to famous diet guy from Subway's commercials]

Jared Fogel: Hey, I'm Jared Fogel for Subway. I know a little something about weight loss and I can honestly say this diet sucks a foot long!

Michael Phelps: Thanks, Jared. The Michael Phelps diet. Because you don't have to train like an Olympic athlete to have an Olympic body. [ SUPER: "Yes You do" ]

[Diet girl is squeezing frosting into her mouth]

Diet Girl: Yumm, cake frosting!

Michael Phelps: Are you gonna finish that?

Diet Girl: Hey! Get your own! I'm on a diet!

[Image of a smiling Michael Phelps carrying an enormous stack of frosted donuts]

Announcer: The Michael Phelps Diet. Looking this good never tasted so delicious. Almost certainly fatal.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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