Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

















08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Jar Glove

Wife.....Kristen Wiig
Husband.....Jason Sudeikis
Officers.....Fred Armisen, Bobby Moynihan
Judge.....Kenan Thompson




[ open on suburban kitchen, as Wife, fixing breakfast, grabs a jar ]

Announcer: Opening jars. Every time, it's the same old story...

[ footage turns black and white, with "Dramatization" tag, as Wife twists and turns the jar's lid ]

Announcer: The twisting and turning...

[ cut to Wife rubbing her sore wrists ]

Announcer: The aching and straining...

[ cut to Wife trying to loosen the jar's lid with hot water from the sink, burning her hands in the process ]

Announcer: The scalding and burning...

[ cut to wife smacking the jar against the counter ]

Announcer: The swinging and striking...

[ the jar ricochets off the counter, striking her Husband across the head and knocking him to the floor ]

Announcer: The panicking...

[ cut to Wife dragging her Husband's dead, bloodies body across the floor ]

Announcer: The dragging...

[ cut to Wife, frustrated, digging her Husband's grave in the back yard ]

Announcer: The digging and burying...

[ cut to two police officers at the front door, questioning the Wife on her missing husband's whereabouts ]

Announcer: The lying and stalling...

[ she shoves one of the officers aside and runs for it, as he returns fire with his tazer ]

Announcer: The resisting and tazing...

[ cut to Judge banging gavel ]

Announcer: The sentencing and convicting...

[ cut to Wife being locked up in jail cell ]

Announcer: The shackling and imprisonment...

[ cut to Wife in jail cell hitting all-nighters with stacks of law books ]

Announcer: The studying and appealing...

[ cut to Wife carving a gun out of a bar of soap ]

Announcer: The plotting and scheming...

[ cut to Wife leading foot chase, as officers pursue her with dogs ]

Announcer: The barking and the shooting...

[ cut to Wife hiding inside a sewage pipe ]

Wife: There's got to be a better way!

[ product slide rises ]

Announcer: Now there is -- thanks to Jar Glove!

[ cut to Wife holding a jar with one hand, and wearing a jar glove on the other ]

Announcer: Jar Glove. The better way.

[ she gently twists the lid off the jar and smiles ]

[ return to product slide ]

Announcer: Now only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.

[ fade ]


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