Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1







08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton

Written by: Seth Meyers, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

Sarah Palin.....Tina Fey
Hillary Clinton.....Amy Poehler




[ open on art card ]

Announcer: And now, a nonpartisan message from Gov. Sarah Palin and Sen. Hillaty Clinton.

[ dissolve to Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton standing behind a podium together ]

Sarah Palin: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.

Hillary Clinton: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.

Sarah Palin: Now, I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain's running mate...

Hillary Clinton: And me being a fervent supportor of Senator Barack Obama -- as evidenced by this button. [ she touches a campaign button pinned to her lapel ]

Sarah Palin: But, tonight, we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.

Hillary Clinton: An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.

Sarah Palin: You know, Hillary and I don't agree on everythi --

Hillary Clinton: [ cutting in ] ON ANYTHING!! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

Sarah Palin: And I can see Russia from my house!

Hillary Clinton: I believe that global warming is caused by man.

Sarah Palin: And I believe it's just God hugging us closer!

Hillary Clinton: I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.

Sarah Palin: [ laughs ] I don't know what that is!

Hillary Clinton: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.

Sarah Palin: So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!

Hillary Clinton: And stop saying I have cankles!

Sarah Palin: Don't refer to me as a MILF!

Hillary Clinton: Don't refer to me as a "flurge" -- I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!

Sarah Palin: Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us! Like "pretty", "attractive", "beautiful"...

Hillary Clinton: "Harpy", "shrew", and "boner shrinker".

Sarah Palin: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska:

Hillary Clinton: Oh, boy...

Sarah Palin: "What's the difference..."

Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!

Sarah Palin: "...between a hockey mom..."

Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!

Sarah Palin: "...and a pitbull?"

Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!

Sarah Palin: [ a beat ] "Lipstick".

Hillary Clinton: There you go.

Sarah Palin: Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House... and me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?

Hillary Clinton: [ forcing a hard smile ] I cannot!

Sarah Palin: It's truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree, that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House!

Hillary Clinton: No-o-o-o!! Mine!! It's supposed to be mine!! I'm sorry, I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President! I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman!

[ as Clinton rambles, Palin waves to her supporters like a beauty queen, offers a side profile of her bust, poses as thouh cocking a rifle ]

Hillary Clinton: And I-I-I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses!

Sarah Palin: What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President!

Hillary Clinton: Anyone! Anyone! Anyone! [ she laughs maniacally ]

Sarah Palin: All you have to do is want it.

Hillary Clinton: [ laughs maniacally ] Yeah! You know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more! [ she laughs maniacally and rips off a piece of the podium ]

Sarah Palin: So in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior.

Hillary Clinton: Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials. [ acknowledging Palin ] Please ask, this one about dinosaurs. In conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And, if you can't, I will lend you mine.

Sarah Palin: And, as we say in Alaska...

Hillary Clinton: We say it everywhere...

Together: "Live, from New York, It's Saturday Night!!"


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