Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2










08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

James Franco's Monologue

.....James Franco
Ken Wo.....?
Craig the R.A......Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- James Franco!

James Franco: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. It's great to be hosting "SNL", here in New York City. I actually live here now. [ the audience cheers ] Some of you may have read, I just enrolled as a student at Columbia University. And... well, I wanted a break from Hollywood, and... just, you know, have the regular college experience. So, for now, I'm not movie star James Franco; I'm just new Columbia student James Franco... the movie star. I'm like any other kid on campus. See, here's my I.D. -- everyone looks bad in these pictures.

[ cut to Franco's I.D., in which he's posed as though on the cover of a gossip magazine ]

James Franco: I got a great roommate, named Ken Wo. He's a Bio-chem major. He's here tonight.

[ cut to Ken Wo seated in the audience; he waves shyly ]

James Franco: You know, we have our arguments... he, you know, prints out homework while I'm trying to sleep, and I threw away his bed so my publicist could have a desk. But my semester's off to a great start.

[ Franco's R.A. runs up on stage ]

Craig the R.A.: Hey, James! Man, I've been looking all over the quad for ya'!

James Franco: Oh... hey. Craig. My R.A.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! [ he waves to the audience ] What's up? Hey, listen, my man, I don't mean to blow up your spot, but why weren't you at Orientation this morning?

James Franco: Aw, I'm so sorry, Craig, uh, I had to rehearse for the show! What did I miss?

Craig the R.A.: Oh, a lot! A LOT, man! We watched a great video about Diversity, called "Choices".

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Then people asked me questions, you know, like: "Where's the cafeteria?" "Are hotplates allowed?" "Why is James Franco on campus?" One that I got was, "Hey, Craig, why is James Franco talking to your girlfriend Colleen so much?"

James Franco: Ohhh. Is Colleen your girlfriend?

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Yeah.

James Franco: Oh. She came by my room, late last night, and said she was lost.

Craig the R.A.: [ stunned ] Well, that's weird. Yeah, she's a... campus tour guide.

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Well, look, man -- hey, look -- I know what it's like to be the cool dude on campus.

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, I can't step fot in Java the Cup without people saying, "Hey, man! There's that guy who beatboxes for the Funktones!" [ he gives himself a thumbs-up ]

James Franco: Who? Who are the Funktones?

Craig the R.A.: We're the school's most popular, no tryout, non-lesbian, a capella group!

James Franco: Sounds great.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, don't patronize me, James!

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Come on, man! Until you moved into Livingston Hall, I was Top Dog! It was just ME and a bunch of dorks like Ken Wo!

[ cut to Ken Wo in the audience, looking perturbed ]

Craig the R.A.: My bad. My bad, K-Wo. That's my bad. [ turns back to Franco ] Seriously, man, how long do I have until you have sex with my girlfriend? [ Franco silently looks to the floor ] AW, COME ON!!

James Franco: Look, Craig, I -- I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I mean, is there anything I can do to smooth things over?

Craig the R.A.: [ whispering ] Let me -- let me plug my gig, Franco.

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah?

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah? Alright! [ to the audience ] Hey, the Funktones are having their Fall jam tomorrow night at Cafe 2-1-2! Yeah! Spoken-word poet, Tolerance, will be there. Tickets are still available -- every single one of them.

James Franco: And we also have a great show coming up -- Kings of Leon are here! So stick around, we'll be right back!


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