Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 3

08c: Anna Faris / Duffy

My Ex-Boyfriend

Rob.....Jason Sudeikis
Casey.....Casey Wilson
Josh.....Bill Hader
Sarah.....Anna Faris
Waiter.....Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Beer Garden ]

[ dissolve to patio area, where Rob and Casey sit ]

Casey: So... Josh is bringing his new girlfriend?

Rob: Yep, yep! And I... think this one's a keeper. The way he keeps talking about her, I can tell he's totally in loooove!

Casey: Ohhh! I am so happy for him! You know, after ALL the trouble Josh has had with women, he deserves it.

Rob: Tell me about it.

[ Josh enters with Sarah ]

Josh: Heeeeeeyy!! [ they all greet one another ] This is Sarah. Sarah, Rob.

Rob: Hmm. Hi.

Casey: It's really, really great to meet you! We've heard so much about you.

Sarah: Aw, thanks! You know, I just -- I love this restaurant! I actually came here once with my ex-boyfriend, and we had SUCH an amazing time! [ everyone laughs ] Yeah, that was -- that was ne CRAZY night!

Rob: Yeah, I know. It's really a cool place.

Casey: Yeah.

[ the Waiter steps in ]

Waiter: Guten tag! Uh, can I start you guys off with some beers?

Rob: Yeah. How does four Heffervisens sound?

Josh: Sounds perfect. [ to the waiter ] Do you have those big steins?

Waiter: Yeah. We sure do.

Sarah: Actually, you know what? Just make mine a regular pint. [ to the group ] You know, whenever I drink too much, I get crazy! [ she giggles ]

Josh: Oh, you do?

Sarah: Yeah! Yeah, well... not as much as with you, but I-I used to be a little wild. My ex-boyfriend was a terrible influence... but, you know, terrible in a super-fun way! [ she laughs alone ]

Waiter: I'll be right back with those beers. [ he exits ]

Rob: Alright... alright, so, uh -- how did you two meet?

Josh: At Sarah's art gallery in Chelsea, uh -- I was there for a company party, and we started talking, and we just had an instant connection.

Rob: Oh.

Sarah: Yeah, it was a show with all my ex-boyfriend's artwork, and, uh -- you guys HAVE to come check it out sometime, he is SO incredibly talented. And SO good with his hands!

[ an uncomfortable silence permeates the table ]

Rob: Hey! The drinks are here! Here we go! [ the waiter returns ] Alright! Yum-yum! [ theyall collect their drinks ] Alright, why don't we Cheers it up here... [ Sarah gulps her drink down ] You're gonna dive right in? Alright... okay... fine.

Casey: Uh, so, Sarah, I don't know -- I don't know if Josh told you, but, uh -- Rob and I just got back from sunny Costa Rica.

Sarah: Ohhh!

Casey: Really.

Rob: Amazing.

Sarah: My ex-boyfriend took me there for New Year's!

Rob: Oh, nice -- did you go snorkeling?

Sarah: No. We never even left the hotel! [ she laughs loudly ] Oh, my God, he was SUCH a force of nature in the bedroom! I found out later he had dislocated my pelvis, but... I couldn't separate the pain from the pleasure!

Josh: Okay, can we try not to talk about something that's related to your ex-boyfriend? [ he laughs uncomfortably ]

Sarah: Okay, what about hurricanes?

Everyone: Sure! Yeah, hurricanes! Yeah! Hurricanes are great!

Sarah: I was caught in a hurricane five years ago.

Rob: Oh, no...

Sarah: I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time, and... [ Josh shrugs ] we were out in the open with NO protection. The eye of the storm headed STRAIGHT for us. Luckily, Julien -- that's my ex-boyfriend -- um -- was able to dig a trench for me to lay in. And then he laid his chiseled body on top of mine, and shielded me until the storm passed. [ Josh sighs heavily ] And, the whole time, we kept each other warm with the most tender lovemaking. After a few hours, I couldn't distinguish between the storm and the writing of our naked bodies.

[ Rob chokes on his beer, embarrassed for his friend ]

Rob: Uh -- this is a human being we're talking about, right? [ he forces a chuckle ]

[ the Waiter returns carrying a bratwurst on a plate ]

Waiter: He-eyyy! Just thought I'd start you guys off with a signature bratwurst for the table. And, don't worry -- it's on the house! [ he exits ]

[ acknowledging the bratwurst ] You know... this reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend!

Josh: Okay, that's it! Thank you! [ he abruptly leaves the restaurant ]

Sarah: What? You know, I -- I just meant that people used to bring my ex-boyfriend free food all the time!

Casey: Ohhhhh...

Rob: Oh, right...

Sarah: And, you know? This actually looks a lot like his penis!

[ Rob and Casey signal for the waiter to bring them the check so they can get away from Sarah as well ]

[ fade ]

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