Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 4


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08c: Anna Faris / Duffy

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
.....Amy Poehler
Orville Willis Forte IV.....Will Forte

08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers

Announcer: Weekend update", with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. And here are tonight's top stories:

The highly anticipated Vice Presidential Debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin was held Thursday night, and the big winner was whoever you already liked.

During an interview with Katie Couric, Tuesday, Sarah Palin said she is not opposed to gay people adding, "One of my absolute best friends for the last thirty years happens to be gay, and I love her dearly, and she doesn't exist."

Seth Meyers: O.J. Simpson was found guilty Friday on charges of armed robbery, assault and kidnapping -- but. really, murder.

A man in Florida rescued his dog from a shark attack by jumping into the water and punching the shark. Just think: that dog would be dead today, if that man had been a little less drunk.

Amy Poehler: After a two year overhaul, the World War II aircraft carrier Intrepid finally arrived back at its dock on Manhattan's west side, Thursday, where it was immediately attacked and sunk by Japanese kamikazes.

Panasonic, this week, unveiled a 150-inch flat-screen TV. Just in time for no one to afford it.

Seth Meyers: Good news, everybody: That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it!

The House, on Friday, passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law, after consulting with his economic advisors: M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson.

Amy Poehler: Quite a trio. Here now, with an analysis of Friday's House vote, is Weekend update financial expert Orville Willis Forte IV.

Orville Willis Forte IV: Thank you, Amy. Friday's vote on the bailout package passed by a margin of 263 to 171. But that doesn't tell the whole story. In order to truly understand Friday's events, we need to know who voted how, and why. And I think this song might just explain that:

[ singing ]
"When Friday's tally was finally counted
and that was all she wrote.
People asked, "How did that pass?
And how did everybody vote?"

Joe Bonner, Republican: Yay!
Terry Everett, Republican: Yay!
Mike Rogers, Republican: Yay!
Robert Aderholt, Republican: Nay!

Bud Cramer, Democrat: Yay!
Spencer Bachus, Republican: Yay!
Arthur Davis, Democrat: Yay!
Don Young, Republican: Nay!

Rick Renzi, Republican: Nay!
Ted Franks, Republican: Nay!
John Shadegg, Republican: Yay!
Ed Pastor, Democrat: Yay!

Eric Mitchell, Democrat: Yay!
Jeff Flake, Republican: Nay!
Mary Landrieu, Democrat: Nay!
Gabrielle Gifford, Democrat: Yay!

So that's the first sixteen, just to get an idea
There's only five-twenty-two left to go!
So sit back and relax as I go through the rest
I think you're really gonna enjoy the show!

Rick Snyder, Democrat: Yay!
John Boozman, Republican: Yay!
Mike Ross, Democrat: Yay!
Mike Thompson, Democrat: Yay!"

Amy Poehler: Alright, Will, I'm sorry -- I'm sorry. Can I just interrupt you for a second?

Orville Willis Forte IV: Oh, sure, Amy. I mean, in fact, in a lot of cultures, it's polite to interrupt someone when they are singing a song. Uh -- we, of course, don't live in one of those cultures, but... you know... as a courtesy, I will assume you were raised in a separate culture from ours. So that you aren't aware how very, very, VERY rude you just were. Uh -- now, what's your question?

Amy Poehler: I'm sorry, I-I -- I just, I'm just a little worried about how long this song might take.

Orville Willis Forte IV: Well, Amy, let me explain to you how a democracy works. Uh, as I now know that you're not from America, but, rather, some strange backwards country where friends interrupt friends while they're singing. In America, every citizen is in a district, and each district has its own represenatives --

Amy Poehler: Okay, you know what? Just sing your song!

Orville Willis Forte IV: Thank you. But don't you dare interrupt me again, Amy Poehler. Okay? From the top!

[ singing ]
"When Friday's tally was finally counted
and that was all she wrote.
People asked, "How did that pass?
And how did everybody vote?"

Joe Bonner, Republican: Yay!
Terry Everett, Republican: Yay!
Mike Rogers, Republican: Nay!"

Wait! I mean "Nay!" I mean -- whoa, whoa, whoa! From the top!

[ singing ]
"When Friday's tally was finally counted --"

Amy Poehler: No! Orville Willis Forte IV, everybody!

Seth Meyers: Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to earth this week, after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk. Which was made all the more impressive because they did it as a dragon.

Amy Poehler: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will perform at the 2009 Super Bowl halftime show in Tampa, Florida. Let's just hope this doesn't lead to a wardrobe malfunction, revealing Little Steven's "Little Steven".

Customs officers at the Sao Paulo, Brazil airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane. He might have gotten away with it, had they not been ostriches.

Seth Meyers: A 26 year-old former teacher in Nebraska, who fled to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him, was sentenced to six years in federal prison. Said the teacher, "How about twelve years in juvie?"

Amy Poehler: [ chuckles ] Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. The couple will honeymoon wherever he currently is.

Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. Of course, once he's married, you know he's gonna let himself go!

[ trying not to laugh ] Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. They will spend their honeymoon attempting to locate his penis!

Seth Meyers: Are you done?

Amy Poehler: Yeah! I had my fun, and I'm done now!

Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, I'm glad.

Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend... in an attempt to get cake.

Amy Poehler: Here's $20!

Seth Meyers: Thank you, I --

Amy Poehler: $20! [ she cracks up louder than she'd planned ]

An art historian believes that the meal eaten in Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper was not bread or lamb as previously thought, but eel garnished with orange slices. The historian will present his theory at the upcoming symposium, "Things That Don't Matter".

Seth Meyers: Two planes scheduled to land on the Greek isle of Lesbos had to circle for half an hour because an air traffic controller overslept. Though I'm guessing a lot of activities on the island of Lesbos involve circling for half an hour.

For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler! Good night!


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