Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5







08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Fall Foliage

Boss.....Josh Brolin
Tom.....Andy Samberg
Kenan.....Kenan Thompson
Amy.....Amy Poehler
Kristen.....Kristen Wiig
Will.....Will Frote
Bill.....Bill Hader
Bobby.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exteror, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room, as the Boss enters ]

Boss: Okay, guys. Sorry to keep you waiting. The train was late. Listen, before we begin, can I please just take a moment to talk about the Fall foliage? Autumn crimsons and browns, and golds, and buttery golds, and buttery browns. Did I say crimson? [ heads nod ] Yeah? Oh, I LOVE this time of year I LOVE it! You know, Fall's my jam. Has anyone seen the Fall foliage? A quicks Yes or no, starting with Tom. Fall Foliage? Go!

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: No one? Oh, come on! It's amazing! Okay, you know what? I was seriously thinking about putting together a Fall Foliage getaway just for us. Just for everyone in this room. Go and see the browns, the golds, and the... buttery golds, and... Alright, who's interested? Let's start with Tom. Go!

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: Okay, okay, okay... hang on, hang on, hang on. Guys, I don't think you understand what the Fall foliage looks like... because if you haven't seen it, you NEED to see it! Toasty oranges! Buttery rusts! I tell you what -- I'll pay all the expenses. I'll rent a car. You know what? I'll rent a VAN! I'll rent a very LARGE van so we can all get together, and I'll point out the different foliage that I think that everyone should be looking at. And then after we've seen it -- after we've seen this brilliant foliage -- if there's still time, maybe we can go to a gourd farm, pick some gourds... arrange them. [ excited ] So, okay, who's in? Quick! [ to Tom ] Go! Go! Fall foliage. Yes? No?

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: Alright, look -- I -- I have never met so many people who didn't want to go see the Fall foliage in a group! What the hell?! What's wrong with you?! People LOVE to get in a group and talk about the Fall foliage! It's stuff people love to do, as a GROUP!! Good God! I'm your BOSS!! This is CRAZY!! [ suddenly smiles ] Oh, wait a second... This is a joke, isn't it? Right? Okay, this is a joke! Yes or no? Go!

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: Okay, you people are AWFUL! Awful, awful people! I don't get it! I-I-I-I, really, I just DON'T! No one has even noticed my chestnut-colered slacks and matching vest! Look -- alright -- I'm not gonna get mad! Alright? Forget it. [ a beat ] You know -- okay, I just want everyone to know... that I am making butternut squash soup tonight. FIVE different kinds of squash. And I'm gonna make enough for everybody. And it doesn't need to be, like, a yes or no... it's just going to be here for everybody to enjoy, okay? Alright. [ he sighs ] And the Fall foliage thing? We can get a van, you know. You let me know, you sleep on it.

[ the Boss exits the room ]

Bobby: I'm sorry -- how long ago did he work here?

Kristen: [ thinking ] I think, like, thirteen years ago.

Bobby: And he just... comes back every Fall?

Will: Yep.

Bobby: And... no one ever goes with him?

Kenan: [ ashamed ] Well, I went with him one year. He allowed me to be raped.

Bobby: [ confused ] By... by who?

Kenan: By him.

Bobby: [ bewildered ] He seems so nice.

Kenan: Oh, he was nice about it.

Bobby: Well... I-I can't wait to have his soup tomorrow.

Amy: [ smugly ] Yes, you can.

[ fade ]


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