Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5









08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Kyle.....Josh Brolin




[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
He's been dabbling in the market, and he doesn't use a broker!
MacGruber!
He hasn't checked his stocks in months!

[CUT to MacGruber sipping from a frozen drink and pointing it toward the camera, against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Abandoned Oil Refinery." CUT to a sign marked "Oil Refinery Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This refinery door is pressure-bolted shut!

Vicky: That's not our only problem, Macgruber -- from the looks of that nitrogen bomb, this we've only got twenty seconds!

Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, don't worry, gang -- this one's a piece of cake! In fact, I even have time to check my stocks online! It's so easy! [ he opens a laptop computer ] I just log into the web site...

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: [ ignoring her ] Put in my password... "MacGruber" -- do not tell anyone, you guys, I'm serious!

Kyle: MacGruber! What about the bomb?!

MacGruber: Okay, I'll tell you what's gonna be "da bomb", Kyle -- is when I use my tremendous stock earnings to take you out to a juicy steak dinner. Oooh-wee!

Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!

MacGruber: Okay, it's loading...

Kyle: MacGruber! Hurry!

MacGruber: Loading...

Vicky: FIVE seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Annnnnddd... we're in!this?

[ MacGruber's face turns sour, as he sees something online he doesn't like. Kyle and Vicky shrug with bewildered curiosity. ]

MacGruber: What the fu --

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]


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