Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5











08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber III

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Kyle.....Josh Brolin




[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of heroin, the beach, a car stereo transaction, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He tried to sell his blood, but it's tainted with heroin!
MacGruber!
He's sleeping on the beach, and stealing car stereos!
MacGruber!
He's running out of options!

[CUT to MacGruber, hair disheveled, standing against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a human traffic supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Human Traffic Supply Ship." CUT to a sign marked "Supply Ship Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is booby-trapped! We can't get out!

Vicky: There's MORE, Macgruber -- that cluster bomb is set to blow in TWENTY seconds!

Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!

MacGruber: [ sitting on the floor and shaking ] Okay, okay, okay, okay! Uh -- uh -- I'll tell you what to do, if you give me some money!

Kyle: MacGruber, I'm NOT goving you money, this is your JOB!!

MacGruber: Oh! you're right, you're right... I gotta earn it!

Vicky: MacGruber! Focus!

MacGruber: Okay, uh -- uh -- uh, Kyle, hand me that ping-pong ball...

Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Okay, now how much would you pay... to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt?

[ Kyle and Vicky shoot puzzled looks to MacGruber ]

Kyle: Huh?

MacGruber: Ten bucks? Come on, it's a good bargain! I've been getting twenty on the street!

Kyle: No, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay -- five bucks!

Kyle: NO! NO! NO!

MacGruber: Okay, I'm just gonna do it. Just -- just -- just pay whatever you think is fair. [ he pulls his pants down while remaining in a seated position ]

Kyle: MacGruber!

Vicky: Macgruber, don't! You don't have to do this, MacGruber!

Kyle: No, MacGruber!

Vicky: It's okay, MacGruber!

Kyle: No, MacGruber! You don't have to --

Vicky: You don't have to do this!

[ MacGruber's legs spread apart in front of the camera, and the ping-pong ball flies out and bounces between a stunned Kyle and Vicky ]

MacGruber: Yeah!

[CUT to the traffic supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]


SNL Transcripts