Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6
















08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Mad Men/Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s

Pete Campbell.....Will Forte
Peggy Olson.....Elisabeth Moss
Harry Crane.....Bobby Moynihan
Don Draper.....Jon Hamm
Roger Sterling.....John Slattery
Salvatore Romano.....Bill Hader
Joan Holloway.....Casey Wilson
Male A-Hole.....Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole.....Kristen Wiig




[ open on animated "Mad Men" title card ]

[ dissolve to Sterling Cooper conference room, cigarette smoke wafting throughout the room ]

Pete Campbell: Where are these clients? Peggy, what time is it?

Peggy Olson: Don't ask me. I'm just a woman; I'm not allowed to own a watch.

Pete Campbell: With good reason! I'm starving. I'm just going to eat something.

Harry Crane: Oh, I wouldn't, until Don gets here.

Pete Campbell: He won't care. Trust me.

[ Campbell reaches for a sandwich, as Don Draper bursts into the room ]

Don Draper: Campbell, put the sandwich down! They're for clients!

Pete Campbell: Come on, Doooonn!

Don Draper: Fine! Do whatever you want!

[ Don Draper takes his seat, as Roger Sterling bursts into the room ]

Roger Sterling: Campbell! Put the sandwich down!

Pete Campbell: [ defeated ] Yes, sir...

Salvatore Romano: [ effeminately ] Who calls in the morning, and expects an ad pitch on the same day?

Don Draper: Clients!

Roger Sterling: Rich clients!

[ Joan Holloway saunters into the room ]

Joan Holloway: Mr. Sterling? Mr. Draper? Your clients have arrived.

Don Draper: Send them in, Miss Holloway.

Joan Holloway: I'm leaving. Wanna watch?

[ she saunters out of the room, as all the men stare with intense passion, except for Romano ]

[ Male and Female A-Hole suddenly enter the room, dressed in period wardrobe ]

Male A-Hole: Ready to hear some pitches, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ smacking her gum ] Yeah.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: And now... "Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s."

[ dissolve back to conference room ]

Welcome. My name's Don Draper. [ shakes Male A-Hole's hand ]

Male A-Hole: Your hair looks hard!

Don Draper: Yeah. [ he chuckles, then shakes Female A-Hole's hand ] And you look lovely.

Female A-Hole: I'm sick.

Don Draper: Oh. [ he pulls back his hand ] Great...

Roger Sterling: Well, uh, please -- have a seat.

Male A-Hole: Sure.

[ they sit ]

Don Draper: Would you like something to drink.

Male A-Hole: Want a drink, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: She wants something to drink!

Don Draper: Yeah... I heard her. What would you like?

Male A-Hole: What do you want, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ as she plays with her hair ] Guess!

Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess!

Don Draper: I heard her! [ thinking ] Uhhh -- Gimlet?

Roger Sterling: Martini?

Harry Crane: Harvey Wallbanger?

Salvatore Romano: Grasshopper?

Pete Campbell: Oh, I know! She probably wants an egg cream.

Female A-Hole: I want a sandwich with lettuce!

Male A-Hole: Yeah. She's hungry now.

Don Draper: Oh. Well, uh -- [ acknowledges the sandwich tray ] All this food is for you. Help yourself.

Male A-Hole: They got us food, babe!

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaaayyyyy...

Male A-Hole: [ as he touches each sandwich with licked hands ] That's ours... that's ours now... that's ours... that's ours... you can have that.

Don Draper: Okay, great! Should we move on?

Male A-Hole: You want to move on, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ she holds up a cigarette ] I need a light for my cigarette.

Male A-Hole: I got it. [ he pulls out a lighter ] Here you go, babe. Yuo want me to spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark it, babe? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark your cigarette? [ he flicks the lighter ] Cigarette, bave? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark-a-rette? [ he flicks the lighter ]

Don Draper: Okay, here -- allow me.

[ Don Draper lights her cigarette, but she quickly extinguishes it and drops the cigarette ]

Female A-Hole: Smoking's queer.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she doesn't smoke.

Don Draper: Alright, uhhh -- before we get started, uh -- [ he flicks his cigarette ] I gotta be honest, uh, we received the prototype for your product, and we're a bit confused. Uh -- [ he picks up a weird-looking hula hoop ] What is this?

Male A-Hole: It's a hula hoop with a strap on it! Show him how it works, babe. [ he places it over her head ] Look at this. Put it on like that. Check it! [ as the hula hoop dangles around her waist, she barely moves a muscle ] Look at how much fun she's having! Look at her face!

Don Draper: I have to say... I am at a loss for words.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, it's brilliant, right?

Don Draper: No. Because I don't know how to sell it.

Male A-Hole: I know how to sell it. Celebrity endorsements. Like Marilyn Monroe. You guys know who Marilyn Monroe is?

Don Draper: Yes. Of course.

Male A-Hole: Babe! Do your Marilyn Monroe impression.

Female A-Hole: [ she raises her hand ] Happy Birthday.

Male A-Hole: [ smiling ] You guys get it? Huh? [ to Peggy ] You get it, Bangs?

Peggy Olson: Yes! It's funny!

Male A-Hole: Marilyn Monroe? [ to Sterling ] Silver Fox? You get it?

Roger Sterling: It's a good one.

Male A-Hole: [ to Romano ] What about you, gay guy?

Salvatore Romano: Who, meeeeeee??

Roger Sterling: Well, uh -- I'm sorry, I guess we need a little more time.

Don Draper: No, wait... wait. [ he stands, as dramatic music plays ] The truth is, this hula hoop with suspenders doesn't do anything. But, nowadays, we are expected to maintain our jobs, our families, our bodies, and our mortality. Isn't doing nothing the ultimate luxury? We spend our lives jumping through hoops. Isn't it time we... relaxed, inside one? [ Peggy nods ] 'Cause none of us are angels... but we all occasionally deserve a halo. Gentlemen... these suspenders aren't holding up some plastic ring... they're suspending reality! They're suspending our childhood! This isn't just a hula hoop. It's the circle of life!

[ Harry Crane fights a tear and runs out of the room, as the other executives applaud ]

Roger Sterling: So! What do you say?

Male A-Hole: No.

Female A-Hole: It's stupid.

Roger Sterling: Alrighty, then. I'll see you out. It's, uh, noon -- I'm on my way to the bar, anyway.

Female A-Hole: Wait. Your pocket square looks like a rabbit.

Roger Sterling: [ he glances downward and smiles ] So it does!

[ fade ]


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