Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6












08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Pat Finger

Pat Finger.....Jon Hamm

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Just because we're small, doesn't mean our ideas have to be... Don't you think it's time to elect someone with big ideas?

[Dissolve to a map showing the location of Butts, NY]

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I'm Pat Finger, and I'm running for City Council right here in beautiful Butts, New York... You know I grew up here in Butts, so I'm very familar with the sights, the sounds and the smells of Butts Valley. In other words... I'm deeply concerned of what's going on inside Butts; I promise to improve our bridges and roads with a special focus on repairing potholes. I will do everything in my power to plug up each and every Butts hole... There's one thing I know it's this: to get this things done, you're gonna need a Finger in Butts... [remains in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Finger in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: What do you think is more important? Politics or people? we think... People.

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I'm Pat Finger, and I'm running for City Council in Butts, New York... I'm still not so sure what's the darn funny about my last campaign spot but... I want you to know that my passion for Butts is no laughing matter... Loving Butts is a tradition in my family. In 1869, my great grandfather E.T. Finger fell in love with Butts and well, there's been a whole mess of Fingers in Butts ever since. But things don't always go smoothly in Butts, in fact we have a pretty serious crack problem, and I want you drug dealers to hear me loud and clear... when I'm elected I can't wait to lick the crack in Butts! [remains again in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Vote Pat Finger, he's gonna lick crack in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Isn't Butts ready for a change?

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I'm Pat Finger, and I get it now, I know why you've been forwarding all my ads to your friends with a header that says "LOL" ha ha, Finger and Butts yeah very funny... Because I'm so serious about protecting the integrity of my campaign, I've decided to legally change my name, I know it's maybe a confusing move in the middle of an election, but I felt the change was for the best. I will probably be taking my mother's middle name... her family was french canadian but they've lived happily in Butts... the town, for over 150 years. So in November 6th, vote for me, Pat Deldeaux [pronounced dildo]... Oh, wait!!!!

[Cut to a photo of Pat Deldeaux along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Deldeaux in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Deldeaux for City Council.

[FADE OUT]


Submitted by: Ramon


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