Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6










08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm's John Ham

.....Jon Hamm

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO 8A -- ROCKFELLER CENTER

[ JON HAMM stands centered in a dark background. ]

Jon Hamm: Hello, I'm Jon Hamm. You know - ad executives are always trying to find new and exciting way to advertise products to the American consumer. Well tonight, I'm here to talk to you about a product that doesn't need any "glitz" or "gloss". It's a product that speaks for itself, and I'm proud to endorse it -- "Jon Hamm's JOHN HAM". The ham you can eat in the bathroom.

[ Jon holds a box saying JON HAMM'S JOHN HAM. The background behind him lights up to REVEAL a bathroom. ]

Jon Hamm: Let's face it... we live in a fast paced world. But if you're as busy as I am, you have to make a decision. Am I going to eat lunch? Or am I going to go to the bathroom? Now you never have to make that choice again.

[ Jon strolls over to the bathroom stall behind him and seats himself. ]

Jon Hamm: Each "Jon Hamm's JOHN HAM" dispenser is located... opposite the toilet paper dispenser, so you're not confused. And unlike other bathroom ham dispensers, only "Jon Hamm's JOHN HAM" has the finest boar's head roasted ham.

[ Jon removes a piece of ham of the ham dispenser and swallows a piece. ]

Jon Hamm: Mmmm. That's good ham.

[ Jon steps off of the toilet and strolls TOWARDS the camera. ]

Jon Hamm: Now I know what you're thinking - 'I'm only endorsing JOHN HAM because Jon Hamm is my name' Well, you're wrong. You're dead wrong. First of all, my last name has two "M's" and second of all, my first name doesn't have an "H". Feel like a dummy yet? Because you should. If you order in the next five minutes, you'll get a free dispenser of "Jon Hamm's MUSTARD SOAP".

[ Jon strolls over to the mirror to a yellow soap dispenser. ]

Jon Hamm: It's a delicious mustard with no soap properties at all.

[ Jon dispenses some mustard on his hands and takes a lick. ]

Jon Hamm: And if you're wondering... it tastes great on ham. So what are you waiting for? Don't find yourself on the toilet craving high-quality ham slices. Tell your boss to order one for the office today.

[ SUPER: BLUE SCREEN ]

Announcer: To order "Jon Hamm's JOHN HAM", call 1-800-555-0199 or go to our website at jonhammsjohnham/ham.ham.com.

Jon Hamm: And remember the "Jon Hamm's JOHN HAM" motto -- if it feels like a slice of ham, don't wipe your ass with it.

[ Jon takes another bite of a ham slice. ]

FADE OUT.


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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