Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 7

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

November 1st, 2008

Ben Affleck

David Cook


Sen. John McCain

Tina Fey

Cindy McCain


A Special Message from Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah Palin
Summary: In order to raise last-minute awareness for their campaign, Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) purchase airtime on QVC and hawk related pieces of merchandise.

Recurring Characters: Gov. Sarah Palin.



Ben Affleck's Monologue
Summary: Realizing that his support of Democratic candidates has backfired over the years, Ben Affleck grants his endorsement to Sen. John McCain in the hopes it will benefit Sen. Barack Obama.


Jar Glove
Summary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn't involve accidental homicide.

Note: Repeat from 08a.

The View
Summary: The ladies argue about the Presidential election with special guests Jennifer Aniston (Casey Wilson) and Alec Baldwin (Ben Affleck).

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Jennifer Aniston.

Countdown with Keith Olbermann
Summary: Keith Olbermann (Ben Affleck) cuts off his guests after misquoting them, then grouses that his celebrity didn't enable him to break a co-op's illegal "No Pets" policy.


Target Greatland
Summary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) is the unlikely recipient of a weird UPS delivery driver's (Ben Affleck) wanton affections.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

The Staten Island Zoo
Summary: Zoo official (Jason Sudeikis) shows off a falsely accurate student video on the rocking lifestyle of giraffes.


David Cook performs "Light On"

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Sen. John McCain announces some of his desperate last-minute campaign strategies. Drs. Patrick (Will Forte) and Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing a campaign song. Amy Poehler's grumpy Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) comments on the new Fall TV season.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly, Aunt Linda.


Night School Musical
Summary: The musical stylings of middle-agers who are fulfilling their Senior Year equivalent.

Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire Back in your Marriage Techniques
Summary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates how to put the fire back in your marriage.


The Zolesky Brothers
Summary: Brothers (Ben Affleck, Bill Hader) pitch a coming-of-age story complete with unnecessary gay porn.

David Cook performs "Declaration"

Bierhoff Brothers House of Coats
Summary: Bierhoff Brothers (Fred Armisen, Ben Affleck) pitch their Times Square coat.



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