Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Bierhoff Brothers House of Coats

Klaus Bierhoff.....Fred Armisen
Oliver.....Ben Affleck

[ open on Klaus and Oliver Bierhoff, wearing their company's thick coats ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! Are you a German who is visiting New York City?

Oliver Bierhoff: Do you need a coat, for valking around?

Klaus Bierhoff: If you answered "YES!" to either of zese questions, you would be a foo-ool not to stop by Bierhoff Bros. House of German Coats!

[ quick reveal graphic of store exterior ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! I'm Klaus Bierhoff!

Oliver Bierhoff: I am Oliver Bierhoff. For twenty years, ve have been providing coats to German families who are visiting the New York City area.

Klaus Bierhoff: Only a Bierhoff coat says "I'm a German! I'm on vacation! I'm sensible! And I am wearing a coat that is functional!"

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya.

Klaus Bierhoff: "I am vith my family. You can tell because ve are ALL wearing the same coat!"

[ reveal such a photo ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Yes. Zis is ze promise that ve made to you vith our coats!

Klaus Bierhoff: Many coats are designed for fashion and so. At Bierhoff Bros., we believe that zose coats belong in ze GARBAGE!

Oliver Bierhoff: Geet reed of zose coats! Because OUR coats are NO NONSENSE! And that is ze ONLY thing that makes sense to us!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! That is our slogan!

[ SUPER: "Our coats are no nonsense and that is the only thing that makes sense to us" ]

Klaus Bierhoff: It's not a catchy slogan --

Oliver Bierhoff: No!

Klaus Bierhoff: But it's a FUNCTIONAL slogan!

Oliver Bierhoff: We believe zose catchy slogans...


Klaus Bierhoff: Oliver and I are each wearing the new...


Klaus Bierhoff: The perfect coat for the Times Square area of New York City!

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! Let's look at the features.

Klaus Bierhoff: Ya ya! Okay. So, look -- there's an outer reflective band, and it says to the taxis: "Do not hit me, Mr. Taxi!" And, zen, the inner reflective band, it says: "I was actually trying to HAIL you, and so!"

There is a hood for when it is raining. [ he pulls up a hood ] And then there is a second hood for when it is raining harder! [ he pulls up the second hood ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! And then there is a red flag you can extend if you lose your family in a crowd! [ a red flag raises from the back of his coat ] FAMILY, WHERE ARE YOU?!! WHERE ARE YOU?!! I NEED YOU!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! And, also, there is a yelling cone that you can use if your family does not see the red flag! [ he holds up yelling cone ] HELLO, FAMILY!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!

Oliver Bierhoff: [ jumping ] WE ARE HERE!! WE ARE HERE!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Alright, I have found you! I have you!

[ they hug ]

Oliver Bierhoff: The new Times Square coat also takes into account that you are an innocent visitor to the city.

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! You have to fit into a fancy restaurant and so, look: the sleeves are removable! [ he yanks off his coat's sleeves ] Look! I am now properly dressed for a fancy restaurant!

Oliver Bierhoff: What ees zees? Still unsatisfied? Well, my goodness! To that, I say, you are being unreasonable! You should be SATISFIED wih zis coat!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! But, in an effort to get your business, we have added more features and so!

Oliver Bierhoff: Yes! We have added... a POUCH! [ he oulls out a salami ] For hard salami!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! [ he reaches into his pocket ] A pouch for REGULAR salami!

Oliver Bierhoff: Yeah! Uh -- uh -- many other pouches! For sausage, a pouch.

Klaus Bierhoff: Uh -- for, for purchases souveniers![ he pulls out a miniature Statue of Liberty ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Klaus? I did not know you purchased this.

Klaus Bierhoff: That is because I was keeping it in my pouch for purchased souveniers!

[ they chuckle at the joke ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Finally! The Bierhoff coat is ze only voat on ze market that can be turned into a tent!

[ reveal tent ]

Oliver Bierhoff: This tent is in case you are robbed and are forced to sleep outside on steps!

Klaus Bierhoff: Okay, we've explained enough for now! Goodbye!

Oliver Bierhoff: Goodbye!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: The Oliver Bierhoff Times Square Coat is a proper coat.

[ cut back to Klaus and Oliver ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! So, if you order now, you will receive a Bierhoff Bros. fanny pack!

Oliver Bierhoff: With another fanny pack to keep your fanny pack in!

[ fade ]

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