Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

A Special Message from Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah Palin

.....Sen. John McCain
Gov. Sarah Palin.....Tina Fey
.....Cindy McCain

[ open on QVC schedule card ]

Announcer: Later on QVC: At midnight, it's "Applique Fever with George Ann Bice"; at 12:30, it's "Belts, Belts, Belts"; and, at 1:00 a.m., "Jewelry Addicts Late Night Nod-Off!" But, now, a special message from Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin.

[ dissolve to Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah Palin standing on QVC set ]

Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I'm John McCain.

Gov. Sarah Palin: And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin!

Sen. John McCain: The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC.

Gov. Sarah Palin: These campaigns sure are expensive! [ she playfully strokes her jacket lapel ]

Sen. John McCain: They sure are. They sure are. So, tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign.

Gov. Sarah Palin: And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff!

Sen. John McCain: This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products? Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrate the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. [ reveal blank plates on wall ] They are blank. He wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.

[ cut to Palin standing beside a set of action figures ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition "Joe" action figures? There's "Joe the Plumber", "Joe Six-Pack", and, my personal favorite, "Joe Biden". If ya' pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.

[ Palin pulls Biden's cord ]

Joe biden Doll V/O: I take the Amtrak to work every day! Then - after work - I take it home! Let me tell you something about Joe Biden -- he's not gonna back down...!

Sen. John McCain: It's great if you want to clear out a party.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Or keep elk out of your yard!

Sen. John McCain: But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges, and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference --

Gov. Sarah Palin: [ interrupting ] Also, too - sorry! I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our Washington Outsider Jewelry Extravaganza.

Sen. John McCain: Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold.

[ McCain steps to the side, where Cindy McCain poses behind a display for "McCain Fine Gold" ]

Sen. John McCain: It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy.

[ cut to Palin at another display table ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's "Ayers Fresheners"? You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also, too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers!

[ cut to McCain standing at another display table ]

Sen. John McCain: Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore -- with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. They cut the pork out!

[ cut to Palin ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: So instead of going to one of those elite department stores, with their liberal agendas and over-priced items, and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights -- why not do your holiday shopping with us? [ she turns to a different camera and whispers ] Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin' rogue right now, so keep your voices down. [ she holds up a "Palin 2012" t-shirt ] Available now, we got a buncha' these "Palin in 2012" T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em, okay? Because I am not goin' anywhere! And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska! If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah, so... you know, I'm good either way!

Sen. John McCain: What's going on over there, Sarah?

Gov. Sarah Palin: Ohhhh, just talkin' about taxes. [ she gives a sly wink to the camera ]

Sen. John McCain: Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course! But I'm a TRUE maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent. My only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from "The Hills". So I'm here on QVC, and, like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value, and convenience.

Gov. Sarah Palin: And great deals on juicers!

Sen. John McCain: So when you go to the polls on Tuesday, remember: "Country First". As a reminder, all undergarments are non-refundable. And, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

SNL Transcripts