Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7


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08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
.....Sen. John McCain
Dr. Patrick Kelly.....Will Forte
Dr. Gunther Kelly.....Fred Armisen
Aunt Linda.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories:

As the presidential campaign draws to a close, John McCain’s campaign rallies have featured frequent appearances by Joe the Plumber. While Barack Obama’s campaign is sticking with its mascot: "Joe the Bummer". [ photo of Joe Biden ]

At a campaign rally on Thursday, Senator McCain called Joe the Plumber up to the stage, only to discover that he was not at the rally. In fairness to Joe the Plumber, he did say he’d be there sometime between noon and 6 pm.

On Wednesday, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series in five games, defeating the Tampa Bay Rays in Major League Baseball’s annual contest to determine whose city will be set on fire by drunks.

Archaeologists in Israel, digging at a site where David is believed to have slain Goliath, have discovered a shard of pottery with writing that may give credence to the biblical tale. So, catch the whole story on the next episode of "C.S.Oy".

With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign strategy, Senator John McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three days. And, while I'm confident that we will emerge victorious, I'm also considering a few radical last-minute strategies.

Seth Meyers: New strategies? Like what?

Sen. John McCain: Well, you know how people call me "The Maverick"?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Sen. John McCain: Well -- well, I thought I'd try a strategy called the "Reverse Maverick". That's where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don't ask questions, I just go with the flow. If that doesn't work, I go to the "Double Maverick". That's where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out! Even the regular mavericks!

Seth Meyers: That doesn't sound like the best strategy.

Sen. John McCain: It isn't. And here's another bad one. It's called "The Sad Grandpa". [ audience applauds ] That's where I get on stage and I go: "Come on, Obama's gonna have PLENTY of chances to be President! It's MY turn! Vote for ME!"

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I don't know if I'd do that.

Sen. John McCain: Alright. Okay, then here's a good one. It's called "The Charleston". That's where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. I really lock it down. Meet every single resident three or four times. Or how about "The Forrest Gump"? That's where I just start jogging across America, and eventually everything works out.

Seth Meyers: That might work... that might work.

Sen. John McCain: Or, maybe, "The Rocky IV". I live alone in the wilderness, and pull a sled through the snow until I'm in peak physical condition.

Seth Meyers: How would that help you win an election?

Sen. John McCain: It won't. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I'll be ready!

Seth Meyers: Okay. Well, if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days, what would it be?

Sen. John McCain: Seth, my basic strategy is the one I've stuck with since I started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country.

Seth Meyers: And if that doesn't work?

Sen. John McCain: [ thinking ] Probably the "Double Maverick".

Seth Meyers: Senator John McCain, everyone!

While speaking at a campaign rally is western Pennsylvania, which is Pittsburgh Pirates territory, Sarah Palin was booed when she said that she was "thrilled to be here in the home state of the world champion Philadelphia Phillies." Though, in fairness to Palin, she’s not used to states with more than one city.

Phil Spector’s retrial in the murder of actress Lana Clarkson began on Wednesday. Spector plead not guilty, while his hair plead insanity.

A new line of Italian wines based on the HBO hit series, "The Sopranos", will be launched in the U.S. this Fall. Also in the works: "Entourage" brand douche bags.

Seth Meyers: With the election only days away, MILLIONS of people are getting ready to get out and exercise their right to vote. But, in a troubling turn of events, early voting has been marred by a slew of problems with the electronic voting machines used in many states. Here to comment are voting machine experts Drs. Patrick and Gunther Kelly.

Dr. Patrick Kelly: Thank you, Seth. Uhh -- yes. There have been many problems with some of the voting machines. But people need not worry, because there are several safeguards in place to insure that your vote is counted properly.

Dr. Gunther Kelly: Yes. It's actually a very complicated series of procedures, so we've written a song that helps explain exactly what happens in the event of a voting machine malfunction. It's called "The Voting Machine Back-Up Procedural Information Song".

Dr. Patrick Kelly: Pay attention!

[ an upbeat tempo plays in the background ]

Dr. Gunther Kelly: [ singing ]
"Do do do do doooooo-ooooo-ooo.
Do do do do doooooo-ooooo-ooo."
[ he continues in the background ]

Dr. Patrick Kelly: [ singing ]
"Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!
Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!
Ahhhh-aaaahhhh-aaahhhh!

Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!
Aaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh!

Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya yaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!

Aaa-ahhhh!
Yaaaa-aaaahhhhhhhh!

Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
Ya ya ya ya ya ya -- ya!"

Seth Meyers: The Kelly Brothers, everyone! Thank you! Thank you very much.

A North Dakota man, whose name was drawn from a hat, pressed a button and demolished an historic bridge over the Missouri River this week. Unfortunately, the button was just supposed to simply light up a sign saying "Welcome to North Dakota."

This Sunday, Daylight Savings Time ends. John McCain quickly condemned it as a redistribution of sunlight.

Seth Meyers: The new television season is in full swing. Here with some views, is Amy's Aunt Linda.

Aunt Linda: [ annoyed ] I've been waiting over a half-hour! [ open-mouthed gape ]

Seth Meyers: So, it's great news about Amy's baby, huh? Have you seen him?

Aunt Linda: NO! Get this, Seth: they wouldn't let me in the hospital because I had a RASH on my hands from using some Jergen's lotion that had turned! [ open-mouthed gape ]

Seth Meyers: So, what do you think about the new Fall TV season?

Aunt Linda: I gotta say -- the premise of these new shows STINK like a duck's brown bottom! [ open-mouthed gape ] Let's start with the most "realistic" one: "Life On Mars". It's about a man who gets hit by a car and wakes up in the 1970's! [ trembling ] I... I... I thought it was about MARTIANS!! The whole thing is on EARTH! I didn't know what's happening! And the title! "Life On Mars"! They should call it "Crap On T.V."! I give this one a big "Whaat?" and a "It Figures!"

The second show -- and I use that word loosely -- is "Knight Rider". Here's a character that draws me in: a man in a leather jacket who drives around solving crimes in a car that TALKS to him like a ROBOT!! Has anyone noticed this is a total rip-off of a show back in the 80's starring David Hasselhoff?! It's VERY similar! I give this show seven "Ghaaas?" and one-and-a-half "Yougottabe Frigginkiddingme!"

Seth Meyers: [ semi-amused ] Is there anything this season that you did like?

Aunt Linda: Wellll... I'm glad you asked -- NO!! But if I had to watch something that wouldn't rot my brain... "Californication". Great storylines... realistic acting... and genitals.

Seth Meyers: Well! I did not expect that!

Aunt Linda: Well, I'm STILL a woman, Seth. [ she makes a face at him ]

Seth Meyers: Aunt Linda, everybody!

A plumber in Long Island, whose marriage fell apart after he told his wife that he was gay, admitted to police that he laced her coffee with cyanide because he could not bear to see her with anyone else. Which begs the question, are there any plumbers left who just unclog drains?

Gerard Damiano, the director of the pioneering porno film "Deep Throat", died this week at the age of 80. "Deep Throat", of course, is remembered, above all else, for being well directed. Per his request, Damiano will be buried a couple of inches deeper than everybody else.

Seth Meyers: For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!


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