Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8










08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Clearing the Air

Paul.....Paul Rudd
Bill.....Bill Hader
Fred.....Fred Armisen

[ projector image, SUPER: "A Movie By Fred, Bill & Noah" ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Bellavitae Restaurant ]

[ dissolve to itnerior, Bill Hader and Paul Rudd seated at table against the wall, drinking coffee ]

Paul: Hey, man, I'm glad we finally got a chance to hang out.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while.

Paul: Yeah. I just wanted to clear the air.

Bill: Yeah! Yeah, me, too.

Paul: I hope the whole Tracey thing...

Bill: Oh. Y-yeah, yeah -- no. It's... it's totally cool that you guys went out, I just hope that... we... can still be friends.

Paul: No, no! Oh! Y... no!

Bill: No, no, I know -- yeah, I know. You know, it was hard for me at first. Y-yeah.

Paul: I mean, you did break up with her.

Bill: Right! Right. Right. I mean, but, it was still painful.

Paul: Oh, God! No, no! I-I-I-I didn't mean to suggest that it wasn't...

Bill: Oh! I wasn't suggesting that you were suggesting...

Paul: Oh, no, no! I know -- I know that you aren't suggesting that I was -- no, I know!

Bill: Hey, you guys are over with now, anyway.

Paul: Yeah! No! But, no -- yeah. But, no, that's what I mean!

Bill: You know what? The Fourth of July is the Fourth of July.

Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Bill: Everybody is crazy...

Paul: Anyway, I'm really, uh -- I'm really, really... sorry.

Bill: Come on!

Paul: No, no, no! I'm...

Bill: Come on! No, don't do that.

Paul: Really! I'm really, really...

Bill: Come on.

Paul: I'm really, really...

Bill: Come on.

Paul: No, no.

[ Fred enters ]

Fred: Hey, guys.

Bill & Paul: Heeeyyyy...

[ Fred sits next to Bill ]

Paul: So, uh -- we were just, uh... kind of clearing the air about this whle Tracey thing.

Fred: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Paul: And, I think, Bill, basiclaly, seems cool with the fact that Tracey --

Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Paul: Okay!

Fred: So, you're cool with the fact that... I'm seeing Tracey right now?

Paul: Well! Well -- well -- well, it's kind of... weird, but...

Bill: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah, no -- it's totally, you know, cool!

Fred: You guys aren't mad at me right now?

Bill & Paul: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Fred: G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-good!

Bill: No, no, no.

Paul: You guys kind of hooked up while we were still going out... but...

Fred: Right, right, right, right...

Bill: And I'm still, techincally, living with her.

Fred: Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-wait, wait, wait! I can totally explain that.

Bill & Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Fred: Yeah, yeah! She told me that each of you broke up with her.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Fred: That's what -- and then, I thought it would be cool...

Paul: Yeah!

Bill: Yeah!

Fred: Look, and I understand. I mean, you guys would be... and that makes sense.

Bill: No, no, no, no, no, no! And I -- you know, I'm agreeing with you.

Paul: You are?

Bill: [ a beat ] No!

Paul: Wait. No... what?

Bill: [ thinking ] No. [ a beat ] Yes.

Paul: Oh, totally.

[ Waitress walks up ]

Waitress: Hey, guys!

Bill, Paul, Fred: Heeeeeyyyyyy....

Waitress: You ready for your bill?

Bill, Paul, Fred: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no...

Waitress: [ shirks away ] Okay, okay, okay...

Fred: [ continues ] Just listen. Things are complicated right now... and we're all good friends.

Bill: Totally, totally, totally, totally...

Paul: Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah...

Fred: You guys are like brothers to me.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Fred: So... I really like Tracey right now --

Paul: No. N-no, no, no, no...

Bill: No.

Fred: I love you guys --

Bill: Yeah!

Paul: Yeah!

Fred: And it's hard for me --

Bill: Yeah!

Paul: Yeah!

Fred: And I don't want our relationship to get in the way of our friendship.

Bill: No! no!

Paul: N-no, n-no, no, no!

Fred: We're the brothers, you know? We're the guys.

Bill: Come ooooonnnn!!

Fred: That's the deal.

Paul: Definitely!

[ they finally stop talking and sip their coffees ]

Paul: So, I f--ked Tracey last night.

Bill: I f--ked her last night, too!

Fred: Waaaaiiittt...

Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no...

Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no...

Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

[ their chatter overlaps one another, as time progresses and we see the Waitress fall asleep at her station, and eventually the guys exit the restauant still chattering ]

[ fade ]


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