Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8






08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

A Message from the Vice President-Elect of the United States

Joe Biden.....Jason Sudeikis



[ open on Vice President-Elect title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Vice President-Elect of the United States.

[ dissolve to Biden seated in study ]

Joe Biden: Good evening! Good evening! I'm Joe Biden. On November 4th, Americans went to the polls and made an historic choice for this country. And when Americans chose Barack Obama, they also got me, Joe Biden!

But now, I feel some of you are disappointed. Sure, it was an entertaining election, and no one was more entertaining than Sarah Palin. But I want to make you a promise: I can be as entertaining as Sarah Palin! I can be sassy. I can be unpredictable, and you bet your buttons that Joe Biden can be off message! The only thing I CAN'T do... is wink. [ he makes a lame attempt to wink, but is unable to do so ] Nothing. Nothing at all. But that is the ONLY difference. You don't think I can give a train wreck interview to Katie Couric? Just name the TIME and the PLACE, and Joe Biden will bring the train. I am a WILD CARD!!

In the middle of a tough campaign, I guaranteed a MAJOR international crisis would occur if voters chose Obama. [ he smiles ] And that's only a "2" on the Biden Blunder Scale. Yeah. And the Biden Blunder Scale goes to 100! [ he chuckles ] And when I say these things -- these things I shouldn't -- people take me aside and say, "Joe! Joey! You gotta use your head before you say stuff like that." And I look them in the eyes and I say, "Message received! I hear you loud and clear!" But here's the good news: the message is NOT received! I barely hear them at all! I mean, I know they're talking, but, to me, it just sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. Just: "Joe, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah..." [ he chuckles ]

So will I be as entertaining as Sarah Palin? You betcha! [ he makes another lame attempt to get a wink from his eye, but fails ] Unbelievable. I don't know what's going on up there.

So, look, here's my promise to you, the American people: I will be a better vice president than Sarah Palin -- just like I would be a better president than Barack Obama! WHOA!! WHOA!! What?! [ he chuckles ] That's just -- that's just a "5" on the Biden Blunder Scale. Yeah? Only a "5"? Yeah! Yea-eah! And that's just the tip of the Blunder-berg, people. [ he makes another lame attempt to wink his eye ] Let me go right here. No, not even right. I can't get it going that way, either.

You know, in Delaware we have a joke: What's the difference between a pit bull and Joe Biden? You can teach a pit bull to keep its mouth shut! [ he struggles to wink one eye, but instead manages to blink both eyes ] Yeah, that counts.

Alright -- oh! And: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


SNL Transcripts