Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8






08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Paul Rudd's Monologue

.....Paul Rudd
Gov. Janet Napolitano.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is just -- it is GREAT to be hosting "Saturday Night Live"! I've just always loved this show, and there's just been so much excitement around SNL this year because of this exciting, historic election! [ the audience cheers ] YES! And, now, I'm here -- eleven days after the... election has ended, and... you know, I just don't feel the heat. It's a little bit, kind of, like, you know, being in Times Square on New Year's, uh, day. [ the audience laughs ] Kind of after everyone's gone home, and there's... garbage on the ground.

Wait -- no! Election or no election, this is SNL! You know? [ the audience cheers ] That's right! Yes! Being here now is like winning an Oscar -- uh, one of those technical Oscars that they give out at a hotel. But it's STILL an Oscar! SNL is as GREAT as ever! [ the audience cheers ]

For instance, did you like Tina Fey as Sarah Palin? Huh? [ the audience cheers ] Pretty good, right? Well, if that's the case, you are gonna LOVE Kristen Wiig as potential Attorney General, Arizona governor, Janet Napolitano!

Gov. Janet Napolitano: I'm potential Attorney General... Janet Napolitano! I grew up in Albuquerque!

Paul Rudd: Hey, Janet! What do you think we should do to, uh, border security legislation?

Gov. Janet Napolitano: Let's REVAMP it!

[ Rudd tries to show his excitement, but the audience isn't fully buying it, so Wiig makes her exit ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, well. It could be a little early on that one, but that is a GREAT Janet Napolitano. And, either way, I am jut so happy to be here ANY week of the year! It's -- it's a dream come true. And I know everyone says that, but I really mean it. Plus, you never know, a certain President-elect might stop by! [ he glances off-screen ] What? No? Oh. Sorry.

But, anyway -- look, we've got a great show! Beyonce is here. So, stick around, and we'll be back!


SNL Transcripts