Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8








08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Proposition 8

Frankie.....Bill Hader
Eddie.....Paul Rudd
Guy.....Bobby Moyynihan
Woman.....Michaela Watkins

[ open on footage from a Prop 8 protest ]

[ dissolve to Eddie and Frankie standing in their service garage ]

Frankie: Can you believe this?

Eddie: No!

Frankie: "We want gay marriage." I mean... [ he scoffs ] You know what I mean?

Eddie: I know what you mean.

Frankie: I mean, look -- live the way you want to live, but, for me... you know. [ he sneers ] That don't sit right.

Eddie: Ah, I know. I mean, to each their own. God bless. I got a cousin. But that stuff -- ehhh.

Frankie: Look, they're not bad people. I mean, remember we went to the Pride parade last year?

Eddie: That's right, yeah. No, we had to build that float.

Frankie: Exactly! And, you know what? We had a good time!

Eddie: Sure, we did! It's a pageant -- the colors and the bodies, and it's fun!

Frankie: It's a way to spend a Sun-day! [ a beat ] But to make it your whole life? Eughh, it's silly.

Eddie: No, you know what it is? It's DUMB!

Frankie: Yeah. Hey, you know those guys from the parade?

[ he stops to assist a guy picking up his car ]

Frankie: Those guys from the parade -- they're good guys!

Eddie: Oy!

Frankie: I mean, we meet up, and we rollerblade shirtless and in jean cutoffs... and we walk our tiny dogs, you know?

Eddie: Yeah! Sure! Because it's good fun! Hey, you know me -- every week, I put on a ball gown and I go down to the club and do my Anne Murray show. [ he shrugs ] I sing standards and people forget their troubles.

Frankie: Yeahhh, you're doing them a ser-vice! [ a beat ] Look, do I go cruising? Sure. And I pick up rough trade, and it's a joke, and I can barely keep a straight face! I'm not judging anybody. But these people.

Eddie: I know! I mean, do I walk around like a big shot?

Frankie: No.

Eddie: I got a sense of humor! I go down to the bus station... I put my thing in a hole in the bathroom, and there's some jokester on the other side, and we GOOF back and forth 'cuz it's DUMB!

Frankie: It's a GAG! It's HILARIOUS!

[ he stops to assist a woman picking up his car ]

Eddie: You know... like, with you and me.

Frankie: Thank you!

Eddie: We are lovers -- we make love.

Frankie: Thank you!

Eddie: And, if we did get married, it would be to LAUGH at it!

Frankie: [ laughing ] We got gay-married! I would crack up!

[ Eddie drops to his knee and holds up a ring ]

Eddie: Hey, Frankie! Will you marry me?

Frankie: Ohhhhh, Eddie... this is the most hilarious goofball thing you've ever done! [ he takes the ring ] I do!

Eddie: [ stands ] Whoop-dee-doo! We're engaged!

Frankie: Because it's STU-PID!

[ they laugh, as Frankie whips out his cell phone ]

Eddie: Hey, who are you calling?

Frankie: My parents, to tell them the news. My mom's gonna bust a GUT!

Eddie: They already know! I called and asked your father's permission!

Frankie: You JERK! What did he say?

Eddie: He couldn't stop laughing! [ a beat ] They're getting us a panini bake.

Frankie: You registered us?!

Eddie: Williams Sonoma!

Frankie: Ohhhh! So, where we headed -- Vermont?

Eddie: Massachusetts.

Frankie: Ohhh... hey, let's go to that bed-and-breakfast at the herbalist home.

Eddie: One step ahead of you -- I booked a room with the Franklin Star.

Frankie: Ohhhh, you silly bastard!

[ Eddie chuckles ]

Frankie: This is so stupid!

Eddie: The rest of our lives is gonna be so hilarious!

Frankie: [ grabs Eddie's arm ] Come on! Let's leave work!

[ the exit the scene, fade ]


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