Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8












08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Road Trip: "Garden Party"

Jason.....Jason Sudeikis
Paul.....Paul Rudd
Bill.....Bill Hader
Will.....Will Forte

[ open on stock footage of a car traveling down the highway, as voices yell out "ROAD TRIP!!!" ]

[ dissolve to car interior, where four buddies sit ]

Paul: Oh, yeah! Nothin' but highway for the next 300 miles!

Jason: Yes! And, in honor of our road trip, I went ahead and brought along a few... [ holds up beer cans ] ROAD BEERS!!

[ he passes the cans to his buddies in the back seat ]

Paul: Come on, man, I'm driving!

Jason: I know, I know you're driving. That's why I brought you... a wine cooler! [ he hands the wine cooler over, as everyone laughs ]

Paul: You got me! you know what I brought? [ he holds up a CD ] A little driving music!

Will: Mix CD!

Bill: Sweet!

[ they high-five across the back seat ]

Paul: Some mellow jams to help drive us away from our stresses.

[ he inserts the CD into the drive, as Rick Nelson's "Garden Party" begins to play ]

Jason: Awww, great song!

[ the other buddies voice their agreement ]

Paul: The incomparable Richard Nelson!

Jason: Yep. Hey, you know what this song beminds me of? The last time I had sex.

Paul: Really?

Jason: Yeah. Yeah, I was in the back of a cab. There was this horrible traffic jam, and we were at a standstill. So we were really discreet about it. We just did it right under our coat, right there in the cab!

Bill: Wow!

Jason: Yeah! And, as luck would have it, you know, the second we were finished, traffic opened up. so the guy got out, got back in the driver's seat, and drove me home. [ he laughs ] Second time that night!

Together:
"Well, it's... all right now!
I've learned my lesson well!
You see, you... can't please everyone
so you... got to please yourself!"

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? The time I got engaged.

All: Ohhh, yeah!!

Bill: I remember my girl came in the room, and she said, "I'm pregnant!" And I was, like, "Great!" But when she turned around, I... took off out the back door and drove away. I didn't see her for two weeks. Then, one day, I decided I would do the right thing, and proposed.

Will: What made you change your mind?

Bill: Her mom got nominated Vice-President of the United States.

Together:
"But it's... all right now!
I've learned my lesson well!
You see, you... can't please everyone
so you... got to please yourself!"

Bill: I dumped her on November 5th.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Paul: Oh, no thanks.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Bill: I'm good, I'm good.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Will: No, I'm fine.

Jason: More for me!

Will: Yeah... you know, I heard this song on the radio the other day. I was, uh, going to take a drug test for me new job. Yuo guys know I like to snort a bit of cocaine from time to time, right?

Jason: Sure.

Will: Well, luckily, I had a plan: I smuggled my friend's urine into work. And it was tough, you know? I had to keep it on me all day.

Jason: Wow! Were you nervous?

Will: No, no, no, no, no -- I was super cool. I didn't say a word. Then again, it's pretty hard to talk with another man's urine in your mouth.

Together:
"But it's... all right now!
I've learned my lesson well!
You see, you... can't please everyone
so you... got to please yourself!"

Will: I still failed -- my friend does coke, too.

Jason: Mushrooms? Mushrooms? [ everyone waves him away ] No magic mushrooms? More for me.

Paul: Man, this is sucj a great song! I should make this my ringtone! Hey, that reminds me -- can you call me? I can't find my cell phone.

Jason: Yeah, sure. [ he dials ] Here we go.

Paul: I found it!

Jason: Where? I can't hear it.

Paul: No, it's on vibrate. Uh, it's in my butt. Don't hang up! Don't hang up! [ he waits and enjoys the experience ]

Together:
"Well, it's... all right now!
I've learned my lesson well!
You see, you... can't please everyone
so you... got to please yourself!"

Paul: Ah, damn -- it went to voice mail. [ a beat ] Oh!

Jason: What?

Paul: A new message!

Jason: [ chuckles ]

Paul: Alright, 294 more miles to g.

Jason: Yep. We should take I-35, right? Do you have the map?

Paul: Yeah, it's in the glovebox.

Jason: [ he opens it and laughs ] Wait a second! Why is there a gun in here?

Paul: Just protection.

Jason: Really? Is it loaded? [ he dangles it toward the back seat ]

[ the gun fires, striking Bill in the head as blood gushes from his rear temple and splashes all over he back window ]

Paul: Does that answer your question?

[ the guys all laugh, as the screen freezes and the words "THe ENd" appear on the screen to the sound of "CHiPS" ]

[ fade ]


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