Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Live Another Death

Dealer.....Will Forte
Dwayne Bodine.....Tim McGraw
Le Chiffre.....Fred Armisen
James Bond.....Bill Hader
Waiter.....Andy Samberg
Pussy Galore.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: You're watching the James Bond Movie Marathon on TBS. We now return to: "Live Another Death".

[ dissolve to film-in-progress ]

[ exterior, Casino Du Palais, Monte Carlo ]

[ dissolve to interior, casino, where James Bond sits opposite Le Chiffre ]

Dealer: Alright, gentlemen. We're down to three players: Mr. Bond... Mr. Le Chiffre... and Mr. Bodine.

Dwayne Bodine: I told ya -- call me Dwayne!

Dealer: Okay. Dwayne. The bet has been raised to $500,000.

Le Chiffre: You haven't played many hands, Mr. Bond. What's the matter, run out of luck?

James Bond: The night is young, Le Chiffre. I believe cards, like women, should be handled with care.

Dwayne Bodine: Oh, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!! Oh, you know he practiced that in the mirror! You know somethin'? I like you guys! I wasn't even gonna come down here -- my wife wanted to go take pictures of some church. Then I found out this Poker tournament was goin' on, and I'm, like, "Forget that, honey! I'm playin' some cards!!"

Le Chiffre: Charming.

Dwayne Bodine: Hey! What's with your face? That scar. You try to make out with a weed whacker, or somethin'?

James Bond: [ snippy ] Yes, Le Chiffre! Looks awfully painful!

Le Chiffre: It's nothing compared to the pain you'll experience... Mr. Bond.

Dwayne Bodine: [ chortling ] You guys, get a room! Are we gonna play cards, or what? I can't ditch the ol' lady forever. You know, I took her to Monte Carlo 'cause, first time we ever had sex was in the BACK of a Monte Carlo!! But don't ya' tell her that, a'ight? [ he laughs loudly ]

[ the waiter steps forward ]

Waiter: May I offer anyone a drink?

Le Chiffre: Nothing for me.

James Bond: Dry martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Dwayne Bodine: I'm good. [ he pops open a can of beer ] I snuck in a couple of Coors Lights. You can't beat the silver bullet! Right, Le Cheef? [ he wraps his arm around Le Chiffre's neck and gives him a chokehold ]

Le Chiffre: It's Le Chiffre. And may I ask how exactly you were able to buy into this game?

Dwayne Bodine: Oh, that's a great story! You see, I tripped crossing the street, and some rich guy ran over my legs. Now I'm livin' LARGE!! [ he looks offscreen ] Whoop! Hot babe alert! Three o'clock!

[ he makes wild sound effects as she passes, then quiets down when she stops at the table and wraps an arm around Le Chiffre ]

Dwayne Bodine: Man!

Pussy Galore: [ coolly ] Hello, James.

James Bond: Hello, Pussy.

Dwayne Bodine: WHA-AT??!!

Le Chiffre: I see you two already know each other. Eh, Mr. Bond?

Pussy Galore: I'm sorry, James.

Dwayne Bodine: Whoa, hold on! Can we throw this in reverse for a second? [ to Pussy ] What'd you say your name was?!

Pussy Galore: Pussy. Pussy Galore.

Dwayne Bodine: [ ecstatic ] Are you KIDDIN' me?! Is anybody hearin' this?! I mean, COOL!!

James Bond: So, Pussy, I see you've switched sides.

Pussy Galore: Sorry, James. They have my brother. If I don't do it, Le Chiffre says they're going to kill him.

Dwayne Bodine: [ as he whips out his cell phone and holds it up ] I'm sorry! I gotta get this on video! Could you look in the phone and say that name ONE more time?!

Pussy Galore: [ annoyed ] It's... Pussy Galore.

Dwayne Bodine: [ laughing heartily ] WHOO!! Can you believe that, boys?! Monte Carlo, baby!!

[ Pussy walks away, as Dwayne extends his cell phone out so he can catch it all on video ]

Dealer: Gentlemen. Let's try to -- let's try to focus on the game, please. The action is to Mr. Bond.

James Bond: I'm all in. [ he pushes his chips forward ]

Dwayne Bodine: [ to Le Chiffre ] Hoo, he's bluff-in'! Look at that bluff! [ in Bond's face ] Bluff! Bluffer! Blufferrrrrr!!!

[ the waiter steps forward again ]

Waiter: Your martini, Mr. Bond.

Le Chiffre: You were so sure of victory. Why don't you enjoy yourself to a... cocktail? [ he nods at the waiter ]

[ the waiter complies by slipping poison into Bond's martini ]

Dwayne Bodine: HEY!! [ to Bond ] I think that dude just roofied your drink!

[ Bond rises and punches the drink out of the waiter's hand, then points his Walther PPK at Le Chiffre ]

James Bond: You fold.

Dwayne Bodine: Uh-oh! That's my cue to get the hell out of here! I'll let you boys figure this out. I'm gonna try out that fancy French toilet that shoots water up my butt.

James Bond: Thanks for the heads-up, Mr...?

Dwayne Bodine: Bodine.

[ close-up of Dwayne with the gunbarrel pointed at him ]

Dwayne Bodine: Dwayne Bodine.

[ he pops another can of beer, and foam pours down the gunbarrel ]

[ fade ]

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