Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9












08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Clear-Rite

Karen/Beth.....Kristen Wiig
Tyler.....Fred Armisen
Shannon.....Michaela Watkins
Boyfriend.....Tim McGraw



[ open on woman standing in her bathroom, brushing her hair. She stops to address the camera" ]

Karen: [ with a lisp ] Oh, hi! My name's Karen Segal, and I'm gonna bet you $100 you can't tell I have something on my teeth! [ she smiles, making it obvious that she is wearing some sort of greyish retainer ] How am I so sure? [ she holds up the product box ] Because I'm wearing Clear Rite, the world's first adult retainer that's completely unnoticable!

[ she smacks her lips in an effort to adjust the retainer in her mouth ]

Karen: I'm like you -- I want beautiful, straight teeth, but I don't want metal in my mouth for everyone to see, or those so-called clear braces that are... [ she smacks her lips once more ] totally noticeable! Hey! Here comes my friend Tyler, who recently got those invisible braces!

[ Tyler enters, wearing invisible braces ]

Tyler: Hey, Karen!

Karen: Hey, Tyler! How are you liking those clear braces?

Tyler: Oh, what a waste of money! Everyone notices them right away!

Karen: I see what you mean! You should have gotten... [ she smacks her lips once more ] Clear-Rite!

Tyler: What?

Karen: Clear-Rite! [ she smacks her lips once more ]

[ Tyler stares at her in disbelief ]

Karen: Bye, Tyler!

Tyler: Bye!

[ Tyler exits ]

Karen: Poor guy! Spent thousands of dollars to have an orthodontist put those in his teeth. Clear-Rite is affordable and absolutely undetectable! I promise you: if you want to fix your smile, you can do it without anyone... [ she smacks her lips once more ] I mean, ANYONE noticing! I can prove it! Here comes my friend Shannon -- if she doesn't notice Clear-Rite, nobody will!

[ Karen enters, brimming a wide, white smile ]

Shannon: Hey, Karen!

Karen: Hey, Shannon! Do you notice anything... [ she smacks her lips once more ] different about me?

Shannon: I've known you and seen you every day since we were three, and I don't see anything different! What are you even talking about?!

Karen: Oh, nothing! [ she smacks her lips once more and gulps awkwardly as Shannon continues to smile brightly at her ] Bye, Shannon!

Shannon: Bye!

[ Shannon exits ]

Karen: Well, I better get going -- my boyfriend's gonna be here ANY minute!

Boyfriend V/O: Honey?

Karen: [ excited ] That's him! Shhhh!! I won't tell if you don't!

[ Boyfriend enters ]

Boyfriend: Wow, honey! You look great!

Karen: Thanks!

Boyfriend: [ bluntly ] What's that on your teeth? [ she cowers ] Seriously, what is that?

Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more, then holds the box up ] Clear-Rite! Try it today, and you'll receive --

Boyfriend: Who are you talking to?

Karen: [ she puts the box down ] No one.

Boyfriend: [ he picks up the box ] Did you make this box? What's Clear-Rite?

Karen: I invented it... and I was practicing to make a commercial.

Boyfriend: What's it do?

Karen: Nothing, I guess. [ she smacks her lips once more ]

Boyfriend: What's going on with you, Beth?

Karen: Karen. For the commercial.

Boyfriend: Who's Karen?

Karen: Me. Beth.

Boyfriend: Okay. Maybe we should cancel our picnic.

Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite. Order now!

Boyfriend: [ he swats the box with his hand ] Okay, stop it!

Karen: It's Karen. [ to the audience ] Call the number on your screen --

Boyfriend: There's no number down there.

Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more ] Is it bad that I see one?

Boyfriend: It's not good.

Karen: It's okay to put... [ she smacks her lips once more ] super glue in your mouth, right?

Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Oh, no... did you?

Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite!

[ she smiles awkwardly, as the scene fades ]


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