Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9
















08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Dateline

Keith Morrison....Bill Hader
Sara Hellerman....Kristen Wiig
Jeff Bishop....Jason Sudeikis
Lily Bishop....Casey Wilson
Kurt Bird....Tim McGraw

Caption: Dateline Investigation NBC Logo.

Announcer: Tonight at 10. On Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations.

(cut to investigative reporter Keith Morrison)

Keith Morrison: Sara Hellermanīs boyfriend was into drugs, getting mixed up with some gang bangers but one night he just didnīt come home.

(cut to Sara with Keith in her living room)

Sara Hellerman: I looked for him for weeks and weeks. Finally the police called me and, (disturbed) they found his car.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smirk on his face) And what did they find when they opened up the trunk of that car?

Sara Hellerman: It was my boyfriendīs body.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh, my. Was he all right?

Sara Hellerman: No, he was dead.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.

(cut to Keith on the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: Then later, the all too real story of Jeff and Lily Bishop. When their boat capsized they found themselves alone at sea. But were they really alone?

(cut to Keith in the Bishopīs living room)

Jeff Bishop: So it was day two and we were surrounded by sharks.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. What was that like?

Jeff Bishop: It was terrible.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) A-a-a-ah.

Lily Bishop: We both just passed out.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Ee-e-e-eh.

Jeff Bishop: And when I came to, my leg was gone.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) O-o-oh. Did you find it?

Jeff Bishop: No. It had been eaten.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.

Lily Bishop: Iīm sorry, are you smiling?

Keith Morrison: (still with the creepy smile) No-o-o-o. Iīm horrified.

(cut to Keith in the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: Then stay tuned for the most heart wrenching story Iīve ever reported on. Kurt Bird. He thought he knew his wife. But did he?

(cut to Keith in Kurt Birdīs kitchen)

Kurt Bird: (disturbed) Iīve been away for business for about a week.

Keith Morrison: (seedy grin) Ah.

Kurt Bird: And I found my wife holding a knife, covered in blood.

Keith Morrison: (still grinning) Aa-a-ah.

Kurt Bird: She had murdered our neighbors.

Keith Morrison: (again with a creepy smile on) O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ohhh, yeah, oh no, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah, e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ehh.

Kurt Bird: Do you get some sort of strange delight from all this?

Keith Morrison: I do.

(cut to Keith at the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: All that and an old lady on fire. Tonight on Dateline.

(Dateline Investigation logo)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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