Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

A Holiday Message From Jeff Montgomery

Jeff Montgomery....Will Forte
Bob....Tim McGraw
Kathy....Kristen Wiig
Guest 1....Casey Wilson
Guest 2....Fred Armisen
Guest 3....Abby Elliott
Guest 4....Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a house at night. Cut to a group of people at the dinner table on Thanksgiving day)

Bob: ....and most of all, we like to thank you for the gift of family and friends because thats truly the gift that keeps on giving. Amen.

All: Amen.

Kathy: All right. Anybody hungry?

(Crazy ass Jeff Montgomery is at this table.)

Jeff Montgomery: Try yes. Please, pass the stuffing, the gravy, the peas and throw some turkey in there too. Hey, dont call me turkey! Youre the turkey, turkey! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, Im starving.

Bob: So, uh, white meat or dark?

Jeff Montgomery: Uh, white meat or dark? Well, if youre talking women, Ill go dark. If were talking turkey, Ill go Asian. Oh, oh, Asian bird flu! "Agent Bird flew where?" Flew to the hospital I hope. Wha-a-at?! Ha, ha, ha. Seriously though, Ill have a bunch of both.

Bob: Ok, so uh, how do you know Kathy?

Jeff Montgomery: Whos Kathy?

Kathy: Im Kathy.

Jeff Montgomery: Well, its a pleasure to meet you.

Bob: Wait. I thought that you were here with Kathy.

Kathy: Wait. I thought he was your friend from work.

Jeff Montgomery: Ha! Youre both wrong! Im not here with Kathy and I certainly dont have a job.

(Jeff stuffs food down the front of his sweatshirt)

Bob: So, who exactly are you?

Jeff Montgomery: Im Jeff Montgomery.

Bob: And Jeff, who are you here with?

Jeff Montgomery: Who am I not here with?!

Guest 1: Me.

Guest 2: Me.

Guest 3: Me.

Guest 4: Me.

Kathy: Me.

Bob: And youre not here with me. So it sounds like youre really not here with anyone.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Thanksgiving isnt about questioning why people you dont know are at your dinner table! You know, its about giving thanks. And I would like to say thank you for inviting me into your home.

Bob: See, thats the thing, cause I dont think anyone here invited you so Im still unclear about how did you get in here.

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, come on, Bob! I mean, how did any of us get in here?

Kathy: Door.

Guest 4: Door.

Guest 3: Door.

Guest 2: Door.

Guest 1: Door.

Jeff Montgomery: Window! See? Were all in the same boat here! Now, lets eat.

Bob: (dialing his cell) Ok, so Im gonna call the cops. You just keep doing your thing and Ill be right back.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, Bob, Bob! Look, Im sure theres a very good explanation for why Im here.

Bob: And that is?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, you know, I was going door to door, you know, trick or turkeying...

Kathy: Wait. Trick or turkeying?

Jeff Montgomery: Wait, you guys have never heard of trick or turkeying?

Guest 1: No.

Guest 2: No.

Guest 3: No.

Guest 4: No.

Kathy: No.

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, so about half of us have heard of it. So, ok, for those who havent, trick or turkeying is when you put on a costume and you go begging for scraps of turkey. You know, "trick or turkey"?

Bob: And what exactly is your costume?

Jeff Montgomery: Im a man who recently escaped a mental institution.

Bob: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: Im an escaped mental patient. For Thanksgiving! And, youll love this, as part of my costume I had the police put out an APB that a Jeff Montgomery escaped from a mental institution and is considered extremely dangerous. That pretty great, huh? Anyway, where Im from trick or turkeying is sort of a tradition.

Bob: And where are you from?

Jeff Montgomery: The Clarksville Mental Institution.

Bob: (into his cell) Ok, 911, Id like to report an escaped mental patient.

Jeff Montgomery: Look, Bob, youre missing the point here! The point is Thanksgiving spirit! That point is trick or turkey! The point is can I crash in your doghouse for a couple of months?

Kathy: And where is our dog supposed to live?

Jeff Montgomery: The same hes been living for the past 8 hours. My stomach. (stunned silence at the table) This is gonna sound like a terrible segue but can I use your bathroom? This dog is racing through me like a greyhound. Happy Thanksgiving! Wha-a-a-t?!

(scene freezes on Jeffs crazy face)

Announcer: This has been a holiday message from Jeff Montgomery.

Caption: From Jeff Montgomery. Happy Thanksgiving.


(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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