Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

A Message From Rahm Emanuel

Announcer.....Don Pardo
Rep. Rahm Emanuel.....Andy Samberg

Announcer: And now a message from White House Chief of Staff-Designate -- Rahm Emanuel.

(Congressman RAHM EMANUEL sits on his desk with his hands folded.)

Rahm Emanuel: Hello, I'm Rahm Emanuel... one-time congressman of Illinois Fifth District and now White House Chief of Staff-Designate for President-Elect Barack Obama. I believe we are at the dawn of a great, new age in American politics and I am proud and excited to be apart of it. At the same time, I understand our country is facing great challenges. Challenges that are going to require both parties come together to find solutions.

Now some on the right, such as Minority Leader John Boehner, have criticized my appointment as being "hyper-partisan". And have accused me of being prone to "bare-knuckle tactics" and "profanity-laced tirades" in the past. Well, it is true my nickname is "Rahm-bo", and it is also true my brother Ari is the basis for Jeremy Piven's character on "Entourage", I want to assure you that I took this job for one reason only - to support Barack Obama's message of hope and change...

Although I should say, to anyone thinking about crossing me -- I will F---ING end you! You will never even see it coming! One day you will be here and the next day you will be f---ing disappear.

And John Boehner!? You seriously want to f--- with me!? You're losing seats in Congress like it's a game of f---ing musical chairs and you issue a press release about me!? You f---ing idiot! About me!? You pull that s--t to my face, Boehner, and I'll send you back to Ohio in a f---ing box!

And that goes for Democrats as well as Republicans. You will get in f---ing line or I will personally stamp your ticket! None of your f---ing bulls--- on my watch, Joe Lieberman! If it was up to me, we wouldn't just strip you of your chairmanship, we would strip you naked and make you WALK YOUR McCAIN LOVING ASS back to Connecticut. YOU F---KING TURNCOAT!

Don't believe me... ask Howard F---ING Dean if I'm for real. He s---s himself when he hears me on the radio.

(Emanuel turns to his right to face the CAMERA and points his left hands.)

Rahm Emanuel: I'm sorry did you say something!?

(The CAMERA shakes back and forth.)

Rahm Emanuel: Are you f---ing sure!?

(The CAMERA nods.)

Rahm Emanuel: Yeah. You better be f---ing sure.

(Emanuel returns to face the MASTER CAMERA.)

Rahm Emanuel: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address you tonight. And I look forward in the coming months to setting out on what I promise to be an incredible journey. Seriously, it's going to be f---ing amazing.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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