Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 9

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08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Arianna Huffington.....Michaela Watkins
Zell Miller.....Will Forte

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is still on assignment. Here are tonight's top stories:

The heads of Detroit’s Big Three automakers went to Washington on Tuesday to beg Congress for a $25 billion bailout. While heads of Japan’s automakers had sex with beautiful women and then slept like babies.

It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes. [ image: Palin's book, titled "Jus' Tellin' My Story" ]

Health groups are demanding that Phillip Morris withdraw their new product, Virginia Slims Superslim Lights, which come in a lipstick sized pack of 20 cigarettes, that they say are "clearly designed to appeal to teen girls." Plus, while you smoke one, it talks to you about "Twilight".

The Disney Channel group, Cheetah Girls, was removed from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade after semi-nude photos of one of its members appeared online. Although, I don’t know why they’re holding the Cheetah Girls to a higher standard than Snoopy. [ image: black-barred photo of Snoopy ]

In recent days, Barack Obama has started to fill out his cabinet positions, inclusing Secretary of State. Here now, to discuss these choices, former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth. Where's Blondie?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh -- Amy's not here.

Bill Clinton: [ adjusting his tie ] You have to give me a heads-up when there are gonna be changes like that.

Seth Meyers: I-I'm sorry.

Bill Clinton: And, Amy, wherever you are, I just want to say: [ he mimes a telephone with his fingers and mouths "Call Me" ]

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, anyways -- the cabinet.

Bill Clinton: Yes, the cabinet. Uh, Seth, I am here tonight to make a very exciting announcement. And, even though I'm not supposed to say anything, I -- I can't help myself! After the holiday, Barack Obama will officially appoint ME... Husband to the Secretary of State.

Seth Meyers: You mean, he will appoint Hillary Secretary of State?

Bill Clinton: Say it however you want to say it, Seth. The point is, I am honored. Now, it's true that this move will make Hillary the Secretary of State, and it is gonna be great. But I just want to say to all of those world leaders out there who thought they were gonna be dealing with a cool operator like Barack Obama: SUR-PRIIIISE!! You got Hillary! [ he chuckles heartily, then bites his lip ] Best of luck to ya'! Whatever excuses you despots and tyrants are gonna use to explain your bad behavior, just throw those right out the window -- she sees through ALL of them! There are only three you're gonna need when Hillary shows up: I... am... sorry! [ he smiles ] It don't work all the time, but sometimes it's a good place to start.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Now, uh -- one of the hold-ups to Hillary's appointment were your finances, but reports are you've agreed to turn everything over to the Obama transition team.

Bill Clinton: You know, Seth, I was just hoping for someone to ask me about my finances. If I TOLD you how much I made for a speaking engagement without you asking me, it would sound like bragging! Because it is a SICK number! I mean, you can't believe what people pay me for talking. Talking! My second all-time favorite activity! [ he smiles ]

Seth Meyers: So what will this appointment mean for Bill Clinton?

Bill Clinton: Well, now, the position of Husband to the Secretary of State is a position that requires a lot of international traveling. I'll be honest -- I'm looking forward to spreading American goodwill. I'm gonna spread it from the snow-topped peaks of the Himalayas, to the topless beaches of Rio... to the bottomless beaches of Abisa. Yeah. So, in conclusion, I will take my show on the road. I will support Barack Obama. And I will not allow my finances to screw this up for Hillary, because, if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: the LAST thing I want to do... is screw Hillary.

Seth Meyers: Ladies and gentlemen -- Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: [ mimes telephone again, then exits the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: It’s been confirmed that the government is developing tiny, insect-like robots which would be used to spy on enemies and possibly attack them. So, sorry for ever doubting you, Gary Busey.

A new report shows that a large number of Americans are "alarmingly uninformed" about the history of the U.S. and its founding principles. Experts say the number could be as high as 1 in 4. [ image: John McCain, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama, Joe Biden ]

Suri Cruise, the 2 year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, tops the second annual list of "Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots". Which begs the question: What the hell is going on at

President Bush, this week, said he will do all he can to help Barack Obama with his transition into the White House. Here to comment, political pundit, and creator of the Huffington Post -- Arianna Huffington.

Arianna Huffington: Oh! Hello! Hi, Seth! Hi! I'm Arianna Huffington. You know... this George Bush, he's done it again. He says he wants to help Barack Obama with his transition. Listen! George! You hae done e-nough! Don't do anything else! Don't! Don't even water a plant.

Seth Meyers: So I take it you're not a huge fan of George Bush?

Arianna Huffington: Oh, listen, Seth, please! It's like this country was a brand new BMW, and George Bush smashed it into a tree. And now, he's tossing the keys to Barack Obama and he says, "Enjoy! It's all yours!" You know?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I see... yeah...

Arianna Huffington: Listen! Listen! Two nights ago, I was having drinks with Madeliea Albright and Chuck from the "Gossip Girl"... and, you know, they agree with me: George Bush helping out Barack Obama is like the Skeletor helping the He-Man. You know? It's crazy. It's like an arsonist who burns down your house and then asks, "Do you need help moving?"

Seth Meyers: Okay, um -- well, uh -- [ he chuckles ] Maybe we should just focus on some of the positives.

Arianna Huffington: Okay. Good! Okay. Uh, let's see... the good news is that politics is sexy again -- and I should know, I had sexy for breakfast, so... I mean, the only thing sexual about the Bush administration is the war in Iraq. Really! I mean, it's pornographic, this war. We went into a foreign place -- totally unprotected -- there's a big surge, we don't pull out -- it's disgusting! You know -- you know what I am talking about -- 'cause I sure don't. Okay, good night!

Seth Meyers: Arianna Huffington, everyone! Thank you.

Ron Howard, this week, praised Angelina Jolie’s efforts as a working actress and mother of six, and complimented her for coping with such "huge undertakings". I have to agree, though this is the first time I’ve heard them referred to as "undertakings".

Debby, the oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a zoo at the age of 42. Debby is survived by her two daughters, Cindy, Crystal, and her stepson, Kareem. [ image: black bear cub ]

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz gave birth, Thursday, to a boy named Bronx Mowgli. As in: "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wentz. Bronx Mowgli got beat up at school again."

On December 2nd, the state of Georgia will hold a special run-off election between Republican Saxby Chambliss, and Democrat Jim Martin. Here to comment, is former Georgia senator Zell Miller.

Zell Miller: It's good to be here, Seth!

Seth Meyers: So... you're a registered Democrat, yet you've been campaigning pretty hard for the Republican candidate, Saxby Chambliss.

Zell Miller: Seth, I would sooner drink hemlock than vote for that namby-pamby Jim Martin! I mean, what kind of name is that -- Jim Martin?! You know, back in my day, a guy named Jim Martin comes up to you and says he's runnin' for the Senate, you put him in a BARREL and send him over a WATERFALL!! I want a man up there with a name I can TRUST! A man with a name like the guys I grew up with! A man with a name like Saxby Chambliss! Or Zackamore Hooberry! Goolsby Scroggins! Mortimer Fapp! Derval Mackinaw! Ebenezer Yakbain! Jasper Quazzeltoot! I used to work in a saloon with a guy named Peabody Tilcutt! Now, I don't know a thing about his politics, but I would vote for that man for President of the United States! Unless his running mate had a name like Jim Martin! That's why I'm voting for Saxby Chambliss!

Seth Meyers: So, that's the only reason you're voting for him?

Zell Miller: What, just think of what will happen to this country if a man like Jim Martin is elected to the Senate! You know, next thing you know some guy named Mark Smith gets in there! And then John Brown! And then Mike Black! And then, soon the entire country is being run by Browns and Blacks!

Seth Meyers: You know, out of context, umm -- that could sound pretty bad, so maybe you want to retract that last statement?

Zell Miller: ZELL MILLER RETRACTS NOTHING, SETH!!! ow, trust me, you do not want a guy like Jim Martin in the Senate!! Okay? You'd be much better off with a man named Bernhart Barnthistle!! Or Templeton Thappletrap! Fitzner Blout! Beezleton Kernwinkle! Kip Joggletog! You know, I'm kinda runnin' out of names here -- but you get the point! Oh, thought of another one: Clementine Dimplethippy!

Seth Meyers: So, this really is just about the name?

Zell Miller: [ outraged ] Oh, okay! It looks like we got a Jim Martin supporter here!! You're lucky I left my scabbard in my hot air balloon!! Oh, got another one! Foster Macadoodledoodiedoo!!

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Is that even a real name?

Zell Miller: [ stands and runs ] Oh, where's that scabbard?! Where's the scabbard?!

Seth Meyers: Alright, Zell Miller, everybody!

[ image: Madonna ] This week, a British court released a cougar back into the wild.

In an interview in "The New Yorker", Prince reveals that, since he joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses two years ago, he has started leaving his gated community to knock on doors and preach the word of his Christian denomination. Finally creating an occasion to say, "Oh, my god, hide, Prince is coming."

Seth Meyers: For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers. Good night!

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