Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 10

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

December 6th, 2008

John Malkovich



Jamie-Lynn Sigler

Molly Sims

Justin Timberlake

Swizz Beatz

Jorma Taccone

A Message from the Secretary of State Designate
Summary: Newly-appointed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) swears she doesn't hold a grudge against Barack Obama for getting to be president.

Note: Amy Poehler returns from maternity leave.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.



John Malkovich's Monologue
Summary: John Malkovich reads "The Night Before Christmas" to a group of crew members' children, but keeps interrupting the story to educate them about the real story behind the traditional tale.

First Hosted: 88j.


Gas Right
Summary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one's butt cheeks.

Summary: Office workers (Will Forte, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson) are enamored by new girl Shana (Kristen Wiig), who possesses great sex appeal until she walks and talks.

Cool Obama
Summary: Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) points out just how cool he is.

Recurring Characters: Barack Obama.


La Rivista Della Televisione
Summary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews John Malkovich and shows a clip from his sex film "Being Vinny Vedecci".

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, crew members.


Virgania Horsen's Pony Express
Summary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) offers an alternative to traditional mail services that could be under terrorist attack.

Recurring Characters: Virgania Horsen.


Summary: All twin brothers Aiden (John Malkovich) and Paul (Fred Armisen) want for Christmas is a calculator.


T.I. performs "Whatever You Like"

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Plaxico Burress (Kenan Thompson) gives gun-carrying tips, then accidentlaly shoots himself again. 9-year old David Rasmussen (Andy Samberg) offers tips on how to meet girls. Boy George (Fred Armisen) doesn't see anything wrong with his recent crime arrest.

Recurring Characters: Boy George.

The Lost Works of Judy Blume
Summary: Awkward teenager Gertie (John Malkovich) harbors a secret she hopes won't be revealed at a slumber party.

An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg sings about "Jizz In My Pants".


T.I. & Swizz Beatz perform "Swing Ya Rag"

Summary: John Malkovich stars in a version of "Dangerous Liasions" that is set in a jacuzzi.



SNL Transcripts