Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

The Calculator

Dad....Bill Hader
Mom....Casey Wilson
Glenn....Andy Samberg
Twin 1....Fred Armisen
Twin 2....John Malkovich

(Opens with a house decorated for Christmas at night. Cut to the living room, there´s a Christmas tree, Mom and Dad are decorating. Son Glenn joins them)

Glenn: Hey, mom, dad. Everything looks great.

Mom: Well, look how nice you look Glenn.

Glenn: Oh, thanks, mom. I´m wearing dad´s tie.

Dad: Hey, just don´t come around telling me you´re wearing my boxer shorts.

(They share a hearty laugh)

Mom: Now, where are the twins?

Glenn: They´re still upstairs. They´re super excited.

Mom: Ah, you know, those 2 will not stop talking about what they want for Christmas.

Dad: Tell me about it.

(The dorky twins appear wearing matching sweaters)

Mom: Merry Christmas boys.

Twin 1: Ma.

Twin 2: Ma.

Twin 1: Did you get us a calculator?

Twin 2: Are we getting a calculator?

Mom: (playfully) I´m not telling you. You´ll have to wait.

Twin 2: Glen, guess what we´re getting for Christmas?

Twin 1: Yes, yes. A calculator!

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator!

Glenn: Yeah, that´s great.

Twin 1: Do you have any idea how fast we´re gonna do math problems?

Twin 2: Square roots!

Twin 1: Lighting speed.

Twin 2: We´re getting a state of the art calculator by Texas Instruments.

Dad: (playfully) Guys, we don´t know what you´re getting. Nobody promised you anything, OK?

Twin 1: Da-a-ad! Come on, who you kidding´? We didn´t ask for anything else.

Twin 2: When we went to Macy´s, I saw you ask the guy at the counter in front of the calculators!

Mom: OK, enough. Now who wants to help me get this stockings up?

Glenn: I´ll do it.

Twin 1: Yes, so, ma, ma, ma...

Both twins: Ma!

Twin 1: Are we gonna get a calculator?

Twin 2: That´s all we want, ma.

Twin 1: I´m gonna add so many numbers together!

Twin 2: I´m gonna keep dividing numbers until there´s like 50 numbers after the decimal!

Glenn: Why don´t you use the calculator in your computer?

Twin 1: Shut up, Glenn!

Twin 2: Nobody cares what you think! Is it almost midnight?

Mom: It is a minute past midnight. Time to open up presents.

Dad: All right, here we go.

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator!

Twin 1: Calculator!

Twin 2: Calculator!

Dad: (picks up gift wrapped box from under the tree) This box is for Glenn.

Glenn: Aw, man...

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator. That´s what we´re gonna get.

Glenn: (opens present) Oh, no way! Nintendo Wii!

Dad: That´s right. Good going. Enjoy it, Glenn.

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator. I can feel it.

Glenn: Thanks, mom and dad. You guys are the best. (hugs them)

Mom: Awww...

Twin 1: Ma, ma...can we open up our presents now?

Dad: (gives them a gift wrapped box) Here you go. Now that´s for the both of you.

(The twins stare at the box dumbfounded. They sit, speechless)

Twin 1: God, to Paul and Aidan.

Twin 2: I´m gonna need freakout control.

Twin 1: (shakes box a little) So, this is about the size of a Texas Instruments A 100. I can feel it.

Twin 2: I´m gonna start crying.

Mom: Why don´t you just open it?

(The twins open the present up. Twin 2 holds a white calculator in his hand. They look at each other and freak out)


Twin 1: Oh, my God!! We got a calculator!!

Twin 2: Its the best day, I ever had! Its a calculator! Finally, this...a calculator!!

Twin 1: Oh, my God!!

Twin 2: I can´t believe this!! Oh, ma! That´s unbelievable! ( gets up and gives hugs to Mom, Glenn and Dad)

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (gets up and hugs Mom, Glenn and Dad) Thanks you, ma!

(Twins sit back down)

Twin 2: A calculator!

Twin 1: Thank you! Oh, my God! Look, look (pointing at the calculator)...we own this now!! We own it! We can do anything we want!

Twin 2: Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (hugs his twin by the neck and throws himself in the couch)

Twin 2: I´m never gonna forget this! Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Its ours!

Twin 2: Take a picture of this!

Glenn: Sometimes I can´t believe I´m related to them.

Mom: They´re pretty brilliant.

Dad: They certainly are.

Twin 1: Umm, do...umm, 89 X 56.

(Twin 2 presses buttons on calculator. Both twins look at the result)

Both Twins: WHOOOOAHHH!!

Twin 1: Do 17.5 divided by 374.

Twin 2: I´m gonna, whooooaa, I´m gonna try like 9, 9, 9, 9 times 0! (punches the buttons on the calculator, the twins look at the result)

Twin 1: All right, look.




Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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