Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10








08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

A Message from the Secretary of State Designate

Hillary Clinton.....Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

[ open on interior, government office. A politician sits at the desk with their back and chair turned to obscure their identity. ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Secretary of State designate, Hillary Clinton.

[ Hillary Clinton turns around, a mischievous grin on her face ]

Hillary Clinton: You thought I was goooone, didn't you! [ the audience cheers, as Poehler waves to her fans ] Hello! I'm Hillary Clinton, and I am SO excited to come before the American people tonight with the news that I will be serving in Barack Obama's cabinet as Secretary of State. For me, this job is almost a dream come true! I so look forward to doing whatever Barack Obama ask of me in this difficult time. And, let's be honest: it is a difficult time. In fact, one could say there has never been a worse time in our nation's history to step into the presidency. Boo-hoo!

Seriously, would you rather fix the economy, or travel the globe? Point: Hillary! [ she laughs ] I think Barack Obama deserves the chance to fix our problems, and, should he fail to fix them, I guess by using his amazing charisma, or whatever... I will be there to lend my considerable experience. Because in today's global economy, one could argue there's no job more essential than Secretary of State. But the question isn't "Is my new job better than being President?" Or "Is it better than being a senator from New York?" The question is: "Is my new job better than being Governor of Alaska?" [ she smiles smugly ] And the answer is: "Yes!" [ she beams ] "Yes, it is!" But I do want to take a moment... to reflect on Sarah Palin and her historic campaign. MOM IT UP!! BEST OF LUCK TO YA'!!

While I'm excited about the opportunities ahead, I also have a heavy heart. My appointment means that I will be leaving my post as New York's Junior Senator. It has been such an honor to serve you, the citizens of my home state of New York. [ she chuckles loudly ] Oh, who am I kidding? This is NOT my home state! It NEVER was my home state! [ fast-paced ] Pack up the house in Chappaqua, Bill! What's that? We never unpacked? Even better! [ she laughs ]

Bill Clinton's Voice: Did somebody say my name?

[ Bill Clinton enters the frame, much to Hillary's disappointment ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello, Bill. Hi.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Bill Clinton: I just want to say how happy we are... to be back in your lives, America. You voted for change... but you ain't never gonna change this! [ he grasps Hillary's shoulder ]

Hillary Clinton: We Clintons are here to stay! You may think we're down, but, like the South, vampires, and Britney Spears... we will rise again!

Bill Clinton: You can complain about us all you want, but we're gonna keep saying what we've been saying for sixteen years.

Hillary Clinton: Bill?

Bill Clinton: After you, Madame Secretary.

Hillary Clinton: "Live! From New York!"

Together: "It's Saturday Night!!"


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