Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10








08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

John Malkovich's Monologue

.....John Malkovich

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- John Malkovich!

John Malkovich: Thank youuuuu! Thank you, thank you very much. It's wonderful to be here in New York hosting "Saturday Night Live". This is my third time hosting, but my first time at Christmas... and I... think it's very clear that no one has more Christmas spirit than me. Uhhh -- I mean, look at me! I'm FILLED with Christmas cheer. So the powers that be asked me if I might be willing to spread a little joy. So I am going to read a holiday classic: "'Twas the Night Before Christmas".

[ a fireplace set is quickly assembled behind Malkovich ]

[ Malkovich sits in a chair and dons a Santa Clause hat as a group of children surround him on the floor below ]

John Malkovich: Now... I've invited all the children of the people who work here up on the stage, for this... moment. This will be our Christmas present to all of you.

[ he opens the book and reads ]

"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

[ Malkovich removes his Santa's head and scratches his pate ]

Itchy, itchy, itchy!

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
In the hopes that Saint Nicholas would soon be there."

[ aside ] Now, you know what they say about hopes -- they're what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.

[ the children stare at Malkovich with bare expressions ]

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

"The children were nestled, snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap."

Now, here's a question: True or False. During the holiday season, the suicide rate increases significantly. [ the children don't answer ] Right? Well, you get back to me on that.

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

"When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."

You -- you know that the state of California has a home invasion law, where it's actually legal to shoot someone just for entering your residence? And I'm telling you -- I mean, perfectly legal. Did you know that? [ no response ] Well... it's true!

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

"Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a luster of midday to the objects below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer."

Now, did you know... that it is estimated that Santa's sleigh weighs 353 thousand tons. So... traveling at 650 miles per second would create such an enormous friction, that Samta and his reindeers would burst into flames. You understand? Like the meteor entering the atmosphere. [ he leans in ] This is a scientific fact.

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

"With a little old driver, so lively and so quick,
I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick."

You know, in Portugal, they don't actually call him Saint Nick. His name is Pai Natal. And, unless children leave him a stick of butter, he steals one of their toes. [ the children are quiet ] It is rather terrifying. Oh, by the way -- [ he reaches for a candy dish ] If any of you guys are in the mood for a treat, here's a bowl of Hall's Mentholyptus. No? Okay. [ he puts the dish away ] Suit yourselves. When I was a child, we used to suck on pennies. You know what I'm saying? And it was a delight. [ he flips through the pages of the book ] You know... I'm getting a sense that not many of you are enjoying this. I mean, am I correct in this assumption? [ the kids remain silent ] Okay. Well, anyway... kids, let's put it this way: you have rendered all of this... useless. Okay? I'll just skip to the end.

John Malkovich: [ continues ]

"But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

So... Merry Christmas, children. You know what? Pai Natal is coming, and he is going to feast on all your toes! [ to the audience ] Well! That went better than I thought. We've got a great show. T.I. is here. So stick around, we'll be right back.


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