Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11






08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

Marcus....Fred Armisen
Tom....Hugh Laurie
Lisa....Michaela Watkins
Employee 1....Jason Sudeikis
Employee 2....Bobby Moynihan
Employee 3....Will Forte
Employee 4....Abby Elliott
Employee 5....Kenan Thompson

(Opens with an office meeting. Some employees sitting in a conference room. Tom is the boos, he stands at the head of the table. A gloomy mood is in the room)

Tom: (worried) Good afternoon everyone. You´ve been working extra hard these past months. Appreciate you coming in. There´s coffee and the....Philadelphia branch sent over cookies, so help yourselves...

Employee 1: Tom, what´s all this about? We´re hearing a lot of rumors about layoffs.

Lisa: Yeah, I got an e-mail. It freaked me out a little.

Tom: Yeah, well there´s gonna be some serious changes starting tomorrow.

(Marcus is on the opposite of the table but he reaches to the plate of cookies, almost laying his whole body on the table to get them, eats cookie)

Employee 1: How serious are we talking here?

Tom: I´m hearing they might be shutting down whole departments.

Employee 1: I knew it, I knew it.

Employee 2: I told you, I told you.

Marcus: Oh, awesome. Sorry. (reaches for more cookies)

Lisa: Tom, what about us? Are we going to lose our jobs?

Tom: I don´t know, Lisa. This whole year is full of surprises.

Employee 3: Oh, man. The holidays are coming up.

Employee 2: The worst were to happen, we still get a severance package, right?

Tom: Of course, well, I mean I´m assuming so.

Marcus: (eating cookies, like nothing is happening) Um, my last one. Don´t tell my trainer, he´s gonna kill me. Our little cookie secret.

Employee 3: I don´t understand how they could not give us 3 weeks notice.

Marcus: Yes.

Employee 1: Yeah, tell me about it. Is that asking too much?

Tom: I know, I know. Its been tough on me too, guys.

Marcus: Sorry, guys. (Laying across the table to get the cookies) I´m a cookie mouse.

Tom: Marcus, you want to move the cookie tray to you? Would that make it easier?

Marcus: No. I´m done. But somebody should arrest this cookie company for cookie-cide.

Employee 2: I can´t believe this is happening.

Tom: I´m sorry everybody. This whole nightmare just landed on my desk this morning.

Employee 4: Not your fault. Everyone is going through it.

Marcus:(taking more cookies) Is anyone gonna have this? The butter strippy ones...

Tom:(upset) Marcus!

Marcus: Uh-huh?

Tom: You may want to pay attention to what´s going on! Your department, Internet sales, is one of our biggest expenses!

Marcus: I wish I could stop. Should put a security guard for cookie patrol. (eats cookie)

Employee 1: Marcus, enough! You understand the gravity of what´s going on here?

Lisa: Will you stop pretending you can´t control yourself? Just eat the damn cookies!

Marcus:(settles in the middle of the table) Don´t have to tell me twice.(eats cookies) Its got almonds in it, that one. (the group watches in disbelief) I think its dark chocolate. (eats more cookies) I´m bad. Gonna have to take me to cookie court. Guilty as charged, your honor. Cookie crimes.(bites into cookie) Oh, orange peel, orange peel. There´s ginger in it too.

(Another employee enters the conference room)

Employee 5: Afternoon. (looks at Marcus on the table eating cookies) Are you eating those cookies?

Marcus: Yeah. Is there a problem?

Employee 5: Well, they´re a prototype from the Gogolex Corporation. They´re not cookies at all. They´re stool softeners.

Marcus: I have a question. Which is closer, the men´s room or the ladies?

Employee 1: Get out this way, get out this way. (points towards door)

(Marcus leaves but turns and takes one last cookie before leaving again)

Marcus: Excuse me.

(Conference room is silent for a few seconds, employee 1´s hand slowly creeps towards the plate of cookies)

(screen goes black)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


SNL Transcripts