Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Aladdin Anniversary

Aladdin.....Jason Sudeikis
Jasmine.....Rosario Dawson

(fade in.)

Cut to: Open Night Sky, partly cloudy. Camera Zomms out and we see ALADDIN and JASMINE on the MAGIC CARPET.

Aladdin: Happy 10th anniversary, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Oh, Aladdin, this really takes me back. I canít remember the last time we took the magic carpet for a spin.

Aladdin: (confused) Whatís that supposed to mean?

Jasmine: Nothing, we just havenít gone out in a while.

Aladdin: Yeah, well, whose fault is that?

Jasmine: (sighs)

Aladdin: Iím sorry, Happy anniversary.

Jasmine: You, too.

Music: ďA whole new worldĒ, from the animated motion picture ďAladdinĒ by the Walt Disney Company.

Aladdin: (sings) "I can hardly believe Itís been ten years already Now, tell me princess Did you imagine married life like this?"

Jasmine: (sings) "Fighting in front of friends Eating dinner in silence Has it only been ten years? Cause it feels like eighty-five."

Both: (sings)
"The spark is gone How did we let things get so bad? Weíd love to call it quits But we have kids So I guess weíre stuck in this charade."

Jasmine: (spoken) I remember your carpet rides being a little more exciting. Flips and spins and stuff.

Aladdin: (spoken) Yeah, well, I guess weíre just carrying a little more weight these days!

Jasmine: (surprised, angry) I have three kids! Whatís your excuse?

Aladdin: (angrily) Stress! Yeah, okay. Dr. Greenberg said we have to spend one romantic evening together per week. So, why donít we just, you know, get this over with?

Jasmine: (angrily) Well, I wish you could hear yourself right now!

Aladdin: (angrily) Well, I wish I was dead! Well, guess what? I already used all my wishes!

Jasmine: Yeah, I noticed that you didnít come home last night!

Aladdin: I was working, okay? Iím the sultan! Some of us on this carpet have jobs!

Jasmine: Oh, please! If it wasnít for me, youíd still be an illiterate bread thief who hangs out with a monkey all day instead of an illiterate sultan who hangs out with a monkey all day!

Aladdin: (yells) Heís the prime minister!

Jasmine: (angrily) You`re an idiot! (sings) "I could`ve had a career!"

Aladdin: (sings) "Not this again!"

Jasmine: "My teacher said I have promise!"

"It was the Learning Annex They say that to everyone!"

Jasmine: "Youíre just mad I wonít show you my poems!"

Aladdin: (spoken) I donít want to see your stupid poems!

Jasmine: (spoken) Yeah, well, I donít want to see your stupid genie friend crashing on our futon any more!

Aladdin: Yeah, heís out of work. Give him a break, okay?

Jasmine: He was supposed to stay two weeks, itís been ten years. And he never stops making these noises and jokes and these rapid fires and impressions, itís exhausting!

Aladdin: If you hate the genie so much, then answer me this: How come one of our kids is blue?

Jasmine: (sings) "I slept with the Genie! It was the worst sex of my life He talked the entire time In many voices Some of them were borderline racist."

Aladdin: Yeah, I know the ones. So, what do you want to do?

Jasmine: (spoken) Well, we canít get a divorce, not in this economy.

Aladdin: (sighs)

Aladdin: (sings) "I guess weíre stuck..."

Jasmine: (sings) "Until the kids..."

Both: "Go off to..."

(Both sing at the same time)

Jasmine: "Vassar."

Aladdin: "College."

Aladdin: (spoken) No, no, no, Iím not going to have a kid go off to Vassar. I also had sex with the genie, by the way.

Jasmine: (spoken) Yeah, I know. He told me.

Aladdin: well, you knowÖ

(fade out.)

Submitted by: Raffi

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