Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13








08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Guantanamo Bay Going Out Of Business Sale

CIA Field Op.....Jason Sudeikis
Cuban Woman.....Rosario Dawson

[ open on footage of Guantanamo Bay ]

Announcer: Guantanamo Bay. Since 2001, we've been keeping America safe from its enemies. But on Tuesday, January 20th... we're GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!!

[ stamp reads: "Going Out Of Business" ]

[ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Hi! I'm CIA Field Op, David (muffled)! By Executive Order, Gitmo -- the world's largest terrorist detention center -- will be closing its hard-wire gate, and that can only mean ONE thing!

[ reveal stamp ]

Announcer: EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!

[ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: Hoods! Blindfolds! Shackles! Chains! Dog bowls for people! If it's used to humanely detain or interrogate prisoners, we've got it! And we're passing the savings onto YOU!!!

[ cut to image of a car battery ]

Announcer: C-c-c-car batteries!!

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: [ chuckling ] That's right! Car batteries! Jumper cables! Box springs! All slightly used! All for low, low prices! You're gonna be SHOCKED at the savings!

[ cut to CIA Field Op thrashing in front of electrical bolts and dollar signs ]

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: Polaroid cameras! Polaroid film! You're not gonna find a better bargain in any other detention camp! Hey! But don't take it from me! Take it from this Cuban lady!

[ cut to Cuban Lady holding up various items ]

Cuban Lady: Me, I got some jumpsuits... I got two-thousand pair of these shower slippers... I got this painting of this man -- [ Donald Rumsfeld ] I don't know him, but he looks like my Tio Pepe, so I buy it.

[ cut to close-up of Rumsfeld's mouth, moving ]

Painting: Hola!

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Why torture yourself with high prices? When it comes to deals, at Guantanamo Bay, we speak your language! Take a look at this: a wooden board! Just $9.99! Jugs of water, just $5.99! German Shephards, only $1 each! But TWO, get the THIRD one free!

[ show three dogs lining up on a slot machine, with "WINNER!" tags over dog barks ]

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Git'Mo parking!

[ cut to CIA Field Op doubled ]

CIA Field Op: Git'Mo Savings!

[ cut to CIA Field Op tripled ]

CIA Field Op: Git'Mo of EVERYTHING you need!! GITMO!!!

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Guantanamo Bay Going Out of Business Sale!

[ reveal map ]

Announcer: Fly to a foreign country, then fly to Cuba. Have an old man in a '57 Chevy drive you to the base. When the guards ask you your business, say: "OPERATION SAVINGS!"

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Tell them David (muffled) sent 'ya!

[ fade ]


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