Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13











08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

La Policia Mejicana

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael.....Fred Armisen
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen.....Rosario Dawson
Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe.....Bill Hader
Miguel.....Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of Mexico City. Action theme music plays.)

Announcer: La Policia Mejicana! Con Carlos Ruiz (Carlos poses, big bushy mustache) Isabella Lopez (exotic posing) y Roberto Gonzalez como "El Jefe (tall man with mustache) La Policia Mejicana! (trio poses with the Mexican flag in the background) Tonight´s episode is written by Ms. Larkin´s fourth grade Spanish class. (A photo of Ms.Larkin surrounded in her desk by six 4th graders)

(Interrogation room. Man in red coat sits in front of table. Isabella and Carlos enter the room)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Hola.(Hi)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Hola.(Hi)

Miguel: Hola. (Hi)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Me llamo Rafael. (My name is Rafael)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Y me llamo Carmen. ( And my name is Carmen)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Mas una vez, me llamo Rafael. (One more time, my name is Rafael)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Y me llamo Carmen. Como te llamas? (And my name is Carmen. What is your name?)

Miguel: Me llamo Miguel. (My name is Miguel)

Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Hola Miguel. (Hi Miguel)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Miguel, que color es su pelo? (Miguel, what color is your hair?)

Miguel: Mi pelo es marron. (My hair is brown)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Que color son sus ojos? (What color are your eyes?)

Miguel: Mis ojos son verdes. (My eyes are green)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Que color es su abrigo? (What color is your coat?)

Miguel: Mi abrigo es rojo. (My coat is red)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Donde esta la bomba? (Where is the bomb?)

Miguel: No se. (I don´t know)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: No se?! No se?! Donde esta la bomba?!(Don´t know? Don´t know? Where is the bomb?)(grabs Miguel´s arm)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael:(pulls her away) Mira, mira, mira, mira. Espera. Que pasa? (Look, look, look, look. Wait. What´s happening?)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Tu eres el policia bueno. Y yo soy la policia mala. Tu comprendes? (You´re good cop. I´m bad cop. You understand?)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Si, yo comprendo. (Yes, I understand)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Muy bueno. (Very good)

(Detective Rafael sits with Miguel)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ok, muy bien. Miguel, quieres agua? (Ok, good Miguel. You want water?)

(shot of a jug of water)

Miguel: No.

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Quieres una hamburguesa? (You want a hamburger?)

(shot of a hamburger)

Miguel: No.

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Quieres una piña? (You want a pineapple?)

(shot of a pineapple)

Miguel: No, no. Gracias. (No, no. Thank you)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Miguel, you soy tu amigo. (Miguel, I am your friend) Tu eres mi amigo. (You are my friend) Ella es su amiga.(She is your friend) Nosotros somos amigos. (We are friends) Miguel, donde esta la bomba? (Miguel, where is the bomb?) Esta la bomba en el aeropuerto? (Is it at the airport?) (shows a drawing of an airport) Esta la bomba en el supermercado? (Is the bomb at the supermarket?) (drawing of a supermarket), esta la bomba en la biblioteca?(Is the bomb at the library?)(drawing of a library)(Miguel looks worried) Ah!, la bomba esta en la biblioteca! (Ah!, the bomb is at the library!)

Miguel: Can I go to the bathroom?

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ah, ah. En español. (Ah, ah. In spanish)

Miguel: Puedo...ir...al baño? (Can I go to the bathroom?)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: No. Esta biblioteca es una biblioteca grande, una bliblioteca mediano o una biblioteca pequeña? (Is this library a big library, a medium library or a small library?)

Miguel: No se. (I don´t know)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Grande o pequeño? (Big or small?)

(Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe comes into the room)

Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Silencio! Por favor! (Silence! Please!)

Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Hola Jefe. (Hi Boss)

Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Carmen, que hora es? (Carmen, what time is it?)

(Isabella looks at the clock on the wall)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Son las dos y cuarto. (Its two fifteen)

Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Bueno, gracias. (Good, thanks) (leaves)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ahora Miguel... (Now Miguel...)

(Miguel is gone from the interrogation room)

Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Ah, donde esta el criminal? (Ah, where is the criminal?)

Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: El criminal no esta aqui! (The criminal is not here!)

Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Que lastima! (What a shame!)

(Cut to photo of Ms.Larkin´s 4th graders with their fists up in the air)

4th graders: Yay!!!!!!

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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