Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz


Glenn.....Steve Martin
Neil.....Will Forte
Jean.....Kristen Wiig
Waitress.....Abby Elliott
Patron #1.....Bill Hader
Patron #2.....Kenan Thompson




[ Several patrons are watching Super Bowl XLIII. NEIL, JEAN, and GLENN come in. ]

Neil: Well… here we are.

Jean: It’s too bad The Lily Pad Café was closed, but I’m sure the tea & toast here will be good.

Glenn: This place is on my speed walking route, but I never had the nerve to come in.

Jean: What happened? Did you go to the nerve store?

[ Jean giggles. ]

Neil: Jean… good joke.

Glenn: Let’s find some chairs. My dogs are barking.

Neil: Glenn!?

Jean: I didn’t know you had dogs.

Neil: I hope someone’s taking care of them.

Glenn: Neil, Jean… it’s a figure of speech. By “dogs”, I meant feet.

Jean: At my next BBQ, I’m gonna serve hamburgers and hot feet.

[ Jean giggles. ]

Neil: Jean… more tasty wordplay.

Jean: Well, I’ve been reading a lot of “Beetle Bailey”.

Neil: Well, you can really tell.

[ Neil spots a WAITRESS. ]

Neil: Little girl! Little girl! Could you help us muzzle my friend’s feet with a seat? They’re really barking.

Waitress: You’re gonna have a really hard time finding one. The game’s started.

Glenn: Oh dear! How long does the game last?

Waitress: Like four hours…

Jean: Four hours!?

Neil: Heavens to Murgatroyd!

[ Two PATRONS in Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys turn to the three. ]

Patron #1: Shut up! We’re trying to watch the Super Bowl.

Glenn: Ah! The Super Bowl! That explains the proud display of all the numbered shirts!

Neil: I’ve never seen a Super Bowl.

Jean: I thought I did at one time. But all I saw was one team of beer bottles playing another team of beer bottles.

Glenn: I saw a Super Bowl, but not by choice. I was in the hospital with my neighbor’s cat, when he literally caught my tongue. And the man next to me wouldn’t pass the remote control – because he was dead.

Neil: My first Super Bowl. I’m on pins and needles.

Jean: I have to call you out on that. It looks like to me you’re on a mixture of sawdust and peanut shells.

Neil: Oh Jean! You funky-junky-joker monkey!

Jean: Don’t set me up for it if you don’t want me to slam it home.

[ Jean giggles. ]

Patron #1: Guys, can you find another place to stand?

Glenn: Oh great! Here’s a spot…

[ The three of them move to where all the patrons are viewing the high-def TV and stand there. ]

Patron #2: Hey! You’re blocking the TV!

Jean: Excuse me, little girl. Little girl, are you sure there aren’t three seats?

[ The waitress nods. The two patrons stand up. ]

Patron #1: Hey! Why don’t you sit on my face!?

Jean: I guess we only need two seats now.

[ Neil turns to Patron #2. ]

Neil: Excuse me, Sir? Is your face taken?

Patron #2: Yeah… it is!

[ Both patrons sit down. ]

Neil: Well let me know if it opens up.

[ Glenn spots an open area near the bar. ]

Glenn: Oh! Look yonder! I see a clearing big enough for the three of us!

[ The three of them move to the bar. ]

Neil: People seem to really like their spot selection. Kudos Glenn!

Glenn: I never saw such support from what I thought was such an unsupportive group!

Jean: I’m telling you its Barack Obama... he’s changing things.

Glenn: All this moving and talking has made my breath smell like a garbage can at a sushi restaurant.

Jean: I have some mints. I found them in my nephew’s room.

Neil: The same nephew who’s been in jail for selling ecstasy in plastic bags marked “Mints”?

Jean: That’s the one.

[ Jean pulls out a plastic bag out of her purse marked “Mints”. ]

Glenn: Well, I better take 20. My mouth tastes like a shoe bottom.

[ Jean gives both Glenn and Neil a handful. ]

Jean: Here’s a bunch for you… and here’s a bunch for you.

Glenn: Oh, thank you.

Neil: Excellent.

Glenn: I must say, these mints are not the most flavorful mints.

Neil: Suck harder, Glenn. The effectiveness is in the center.

Glenn: I’m sucking as hard as I can! I better take more.

[ Glenn pops more ecstasy in his mouth. The clock behind them shows an hour elapsing. ]

Jean: And then we fill our bathtubs with baby carrots and lettuce and then the bunnies will come. And then we will take the bunnies, stack them one by one until we get to Bunny Heaven. And then I’ll confront Jesus and ask him, “What’s your deal?”

[ The clock again displays another hour elapsing. ]

Glenn: We’ll still call it the Super Bowl. But in our version, it’ll be pants and skins – and by skins, I mean potato skins. And it will be decided by four, impartial judges – Mary Lou Retton, a pile of my dirty laundry, a cut-out of Mary Lou Retton, and a cut-out of my dirty laundry.

[ The clock displays another hour elapsing. ]

Neil: And then Jean will see the construction of a three-story denim vagina. For which then, a helicopter will lower into Times Square. The helicopter, made of a high quality salami, will be fed to some orphans. The orphans will then be fed to the denim vagina.

[ The waitress approaches. ]

Waitress: Seriously guys – we’re closed!

Neil: Little girl – you’re rude.

[ The waitress exits in disgust. ]

Jean: That’s America – it’s a problem.

[ Each of them finishes off the last three pills of ecstasy in their hands. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

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