Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 14

08n: Steve Martin / Jason Mraz

Steve Martin performs "Late For School"

.....Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Hereís a song I wrote for my new banjo CD. Itís called "Late for School".

[ singing ]

"Woke up this morniní
Clock said I was late for school.
Teacher told me ďThatís not cool.Ē
Got to put my shirt and pants on.
Flew down the front stair,
Wet my finger and slicked my hair.
Elbowed Grandma passing by
Her face went into a pie.

If Iím late thereís misery;
I wonít be up on history.
Iíll be in the English grammar slammer,
And Iíll get a ďCĒ.
Got a warning last semester,
Told my mom and that depressed her.
Promised that I wonít be late
So got to accelerate.
Letís go!

Ran out the front door,
Moving like a meteor,
I sped across the front lawn quickly,
Missed the bus,
My shoelace tripped me.
Rounded the corner,
Homework flying as I go.
Neighbors shouted ďTalley-ho!Ē
And gave a standing ďOĒ.

Lept across three lawn flamingos.
Waved to Saul,
Heís Phillipino!
Lept the fence and found
That I was headed for the pool.
In the air
I did look funny,
On the air
I make some money.
Waved my arms and legs like mad
To alter where I land.

Aimed for the rubber boat;
Hit instead the kiddy float.
I began to lose control.
Iím so glad I learned to logroll.
Jumped onto the diving board,
Bounced off it and headed toward
The jungle gym,
I swung just right,
And caught onto a kite!

Hustle high, I see the school,
Eight a.m., thatís the rule.
Flying slowly, time is marking,
Down below the dogs are barking. (bark, bark)
I feel like Iím sailing.
But, uh-oh, the wind is failing!
Now Iím headed downward,
Onward to the school.

On the football field I crash,
Fifty yard line, perfect stash!
Grabbed my books,
And so begins,
My frantic, final dash.
Down the hall I ricochet,
Trophy cases in my way.
The other kids are all in class.
I wish that I were they!

Almost there!

I see the clock is with delight.
Eight a.m., exactly right!
I pull the handle with a fight.
The door is locked,
And thatís not right.
Thereís not a person here today.
Is everybody out to play?
Now Iím thinking,
And itís sinking,
And it is Saturday, oh!

I couldíve stayed in bed!

Iím out the school gate.
Wish that I could aviate,
Or possibly evaporate.
Iíll be home and back in bed soon.
My dad is waiting,
ďWhat he heck were you up to?
Letís go fishing.
My, oh my!
Your grandmaís face is in a pie!Ē

This is really something,
Iím with Dad and fish are jumping.
Mom gave me a new alarm
To set for Monday morn.
Never wanna be late for school.
Never wanna be the classroom fool.
Iíll be in the English grammer slammer,
And Iíll get a ďDĒ!

Now my feet are doing dances.
Hip-Hooray for second chances!
Iím not late,
And life is great,
Itís time to celebrate!

Submitted by: Gene Schafer

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