Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 15






08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio

Song Memories

Jason.....Jason Sudeikis
Will.....Will Forte
Bradley.....Bradley Cooper
Bill.....Bill Hader

[ open on four buddies, dressed for the occasion as they stand in a reception area ]

Jason: Your whiskey refill, sir.

Will: Alright!

Jason: I can't make it through these things without this stuff.

Bradley: I asked the guy to play Jonathon's favorite song.

Bill: Alright! That's a great song!

Will: Excellent idea!

Bill: Hey, hey -- to our friend Jonathon, on his BIG day!

[ they all toast Jonathon by clinking their glasses ]

Bradley: We lost antoher one, huh, guys?

Will: It's a damn shame!

[ the music starts to play ]

Jason: Oh! GREAT song!

Will: Very nice!

Jason: Oh, man, I've gotta download this when I get home! Oh, speaking of downloading -- did I tell you my girlfriend caught me masturbating to internet porn? [ the guys react with Nos ] Yeah, so I'm sitting their with my laptop -- I'm going at it like I do -- she sneaks up behind me and yelled, "What are you doing?!"

Bradley: Oh, boy, that's embarrassing.

Jason: Yeah, and not only that -- I got kicked out of the Starbuck's.

All: [ singing ]
"I'm the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you."

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad. Last week, he dropped a bombshell -- he told us that my kid sister of twenty-five years... was adopted.

Jason: Wow!

Bill: Yeah, he said he waited so long because he didn't want us to treat her weird, and I guess I understand that.

Will: Man, how -- how do you feel?

Bill: Are you kidding? I was thrilled! Now we can stop sneaking around and get married!

All: [ singing ]
"I'm the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you."

Will: Hey. You guys remember when I got my penis stuck in th jacuzzi jet at the Holiday Inn in Bristol, Tennessee?

All: Yeah!

Will: You remember how they had to call the Fire Department to, uh, pry me out with a special tool? Adn how it kind of messed up my pipes down there for good?

All: Oh... yeah...

Will: And remember how I did it again?

Bradley: Fourth of July?

Will: Well, I've been thinking a lot about it, and... I kinda want to do it again!

All: [ singing ]
"I'm the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you."

Jason: [ to Bradley ] Hey, how's the online dating going?

Bradley: Good, but, you know, it can be a little weird. 'Cause everybody exaggerates, you know? Like, I went to hook up last week at this hotel, and so I check in, there's a knock at the door, and it's like this firty-year old black guy.

All: Oh! Ohhhh...

Bradley: And, like, he's pissed, and he starts yelling at me: "You're not a bodybuilder, you're a liar!" And I'm like, "I'm a liar? What about you? You're not a twelve-year old boy."

All: [ singing ]
"I'm the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you."

Jason: Yes! To good memories and great music!

[ they all clink their glasses again ]

Jason: Hey, and especially to our old pal Jonathon.

Will: That guy's life is over!

Bradley: You guys ready to do this?

Jason: Yeah.

[ bagpipe music begins to play, as the four buddies step around their "table" to reveal that it's actually a coffin, and they lift it ]

Jason: Man, Jonathon's heavy, huh?

[ they all lose their balance from the weight and drop the coffin at a precarious angle, as the screen freezes ]

[ THE END ]


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