Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 15










08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio

I'm Gonna Have Sex With Your wife

Danny Lane.....Bradley Cooper
Ron Stillwell.....Will Forte
Michael Vodner.....Fred Armisen
Tommy McCafferty.....Bill Hader
Mrs. Stillwell.....Michaela Watkins
Mrs. Vodner.....Casey Wilson
Mrs. McCafferty.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: And now it's time for: "I'm Gonna Have Sex With Your wife"! And here's your host -- Danny Lane!

[ Danny Lane runs onto the set ]

Danny Lane: Hello! Hello, everybody! I'm Danny Lane, and welcome to another episode of "I'm Gonna Have Sex With your Wife"! Our contestants today are Ron Stillwell, from Cedar Rapids, Michigan!

Ron Stillwell: [ excited ] Hey-ohhhhh!!

Danny Lane: Michael Vodner, from Columbia, South Carolina!

Michael Vodner: [ excited ] Yo, baby!

Danny Lane: And our returning champion, from clearwater, Florida -- Tommy McCafferty!

[ Tommy is clearly the least-enthused contestant on the game show ]

It's great to have you all on the program! [ he approaches the men at their podiums ] Now, Ron... it says here, you run a PR firm in Cedar Rapids.

Ron Stillwell: I sure do!

Danny Lane: Terrific! And, uh -- I understand you brought your wife with you today.

Ron Stillwell: I sure did! [ he waves ] Hi, honey!

[ Mrs. Stillwell waves from the audience ]

Danny Lane: Alright, that's great! That's great. Now, Ron... I'm gonna have sex with your wife.

Ron Stillwell: [ laughing ] I'd like to see you try!

[ Mrs. Stillwell runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]

[ Ron holds his composure for a few moments, before starting to worry ]

[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Stillwell return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Alright! Let's put 50 points on the board for Ron!

Ron Stillwell: [ troubled ] Catherine?

Mrs. Stillwell: 50 points! Go, Ron!

Ron Stillwell: [ disappointed ] Oh, Catherine...

Danny Lane: Now... Michael. It says here -- oh! You're a huge Voltron fan!

[ stares at Danny without saying a word ]

Danny Lane: And, uh -- I understand you brought your wife with you today?

[ Mrs. Vodner gives a whoop-whoop from the audience ]

Danny Lane: That's great! That's great! That's great. Now, Michael -- I'm gonna have sex with your wife.

Michael Vodner: [ grabbing at Danny ] Don't, man -- come on --

[ Mrs. Vodner runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]

[ Michael stares dumbstruck at the camera for many moments before finally shutting his eyes in defeat ]

[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Vodner return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Thanks for being such a great sport! Alright! Don't call it a comeback! Michael's on the board with 100 points!

Mrs. Vodner: Honey! You're winning!

Michael Vodner: [ outraged ] Who's winning here? Who's winning?!

Danny Lane: [ chuckling ] Terrific! Now we move on to our returning champion -- Tommy McCafferty!!

[ Tommy shifts his eyes into an evil stare ]

Danny Lane: Tell me, Tom -- how's your wife?

Tommy McCafferty: Uh, we're actually separated.

Danny Lane: ooh! That's a tough one. What happened?

Tommy McCafferty: Uhhhh, well -- uhhh, we came on the show last week, and you had SEX with her.

Danny Lane: Terrific. Uh, now, Tom -- I've got a bit of a surprise for you. What if I told you that your wife was here, in the studio, at this very moment?

Tommy McCafferty: [ panicking ] Oh, God... no!

Danny Lane: JENNIFER!! COME ON OUT!!

[ Mrs. McCafferty runs up from the side of the set and disappears backstage with Danny ]

[ dumbstruck ] Why did I come back here?

[ Michael steps over to comfort Tom ]

Tommy McCafferty: [ waving him off ] I don't need it! I don't need it! I'm fine! Just leave me alone!

[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. McCafferty return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Whoa-oa! Alright, Tom, uh -- alright, I know your wife and you were having some trouble, but, uh, I gotta be honest -- she did you a real solid back there! Which means, once again, YOU are our big winner!!

Mrs. McCafferty: YAAAYYYY!!

[ Tommy mimicks her enthusiasm ]

Danny Lane: Terrific! Oh, Bob and Michael, thank you so much for playing. And, uh, the good news is you get to receive an "I'm Gonna Have Sex With Your Wife" home game! [ he hands each of them a business card ]

Ron Stillwell: It's just a phone number!

Danny Lane: Yeah. It's mine. Just give it to your wives, they'll know what to do. [ to the camera ] And, remember, america: you'd better watch your back, or i'm gonna have... [ with the audience" SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!!

[ fade ]


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