Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:



February 14th, 2009

Alec Baldwin

Jonas Brothers

None

Dan Aykroyd

Jack McBrayer

Cameron Diaz

Hailey Baldwin

Alia Baldwin

None

Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting
Summary: In-denial Republican leaders look for fault in President Obama's latest speech.

Transcript


Montage


Alec Baldwin's Monologue
Summary: Audience members overlook Alec Baldwin so they can fawn over "30 Rock" co-star Jack McBrayer.

Transcript


The Fourth Jonas Brother
Summary: During a recording session, The Jonas Brothers decide to kick their lame fourth brother, Gary (Alec Baldwin), out of the group.

Transcript


The Cougar Den
Summary: Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson) welcome back their pal Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz), who has co-written a book on picking up young dudes with cou-gay Blaine (Alec Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg discovers ancient videotape footage of The Jonas Brothers when they performed as Property of the Queen during the 1980's.

Transcript


Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop
Summary: Sir Mix-a-Lot (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript


Jonas Brothers perform "Tonight"
Lyrics


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Financial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to "Fix it!"

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Angelina Jolie.

Transcript


Vincent Price's Valentine's Day Special
Summary: Vincent Price (Bill Hader) endures domestic strife between lovebirds Richard burton (Alec Baldwin) and Elizabeth Taylor (Casey Wilson) on his 1966 Valentine's Day special.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor, Liberace.

Transcript


High-Profile Project
Summary: Carl (Will Forte), Jerry (Bill Hader), and Troy (Alec Baldwin) can't seem to synchronize their schedules in order to complete their high-profile project.

Recurring Characters: Carl, Jerry.

Transcript


Warrior Shake
Summary: Dad (Alec Baldwin) finds masturbatory pleasure in his kids' (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader) favorite Wii game.

Transcript


Jonas Brothers performs "Video Girl"
Lyrics


Chewable Pampers
Summary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious.

Note: Repeat from 08n.


Virgania Horsen's Hot-Air Balloon Rides
Summary: Trying not to rub it in anyone's face, Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) advertises rides on her hot air balloon.

Note: Repeat from 07e.


Alec Baldwin's Acting Techniques for Actors
Summary: Alec Baldwin demonstrates the acting prowess of a cinematic "first cough".

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript





SNL Transcripts