Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

The Cougar Den

Toni Ward…Kristen Wiig
Jacqueline Seka…Casey Wilson
Barbara Lincoln…Michaela Watkins
Kiki Deamore…Cameron Diaz
Blaine Bagby…Alec Baldwin
Kenneth…Kenan Thompson
Brendan #1…Bill Hader
Brendan #2…Andy Samberg
Braden…Will Forte

(A cougar ROARS offscreen with Santana´s "Smooth" playing and the COUGARSdancing awkwardly.)

SUPER: The Cougar Den

(The logo is scratched.)

Announcer: It’s time for the Cougar Den with Jacqueline Seka and Toni Ward. Introducing Barbara Lincoln.

(The music fades and the cougars seat themselves.)

Toni Ward: Hi, I’m Toni and welcome to the Cougar Den. To my left is one of my dearest friends, Jacqueline.

Jacqueline Seka: Hi.

Toni Ward: And to my right is a woman I met in the mature Vitamin Section at GMC -- our new friend Barbara.

Barbara Lincoln: Hi there.

Toni Ward: So, Valentine’s Day is coming up.

Jacqueline Seka: It’s here.

Toni Ward: You know, what do you ladies have planned?

Barbara Lincoln: Well I tell you what I’m going to do... I'm going to take a bath with a cardboard cut out of Spencer Pratt! Holla!

(Barbara shakes her breasts.)

Jacqueline Seka: Yeah, we’ve done that.

Toni Ward: We’ve done that. We’ve done that.

Jacqueline Seka: Okay, I’m gonna’ suck down some jello shooters and wander around USC’s Campus wearing a t-shirt that says “I’ll pay you and this won’t get messy.”

(Jacqueline waves her right palm over her chest.)

Toni Ward: Well, I don’t know if you guys know this, but I treated myself to a Jonas Brothers concert as a pre-Valentine’s day present to myself.

Jacqueline Seka: Oh, you deserve it Toni!

Barbara Lincoln: Oh, yeah!

Toni Ward: Well, I was thrown out.

Barbara Lincoln: What!?!?

Jacqueline Seka: Toni, what happened? What happened?

Toni Ward: I was really rocking out, you know, pumpin’ my fist in the air, when my menopause patch fell off and flew into a young girl’s mouth and she went into estrogen shock.

Barbara Lincoln: Really?

Toni Ward: Yes, and that’s all I can say until the trial is over. (Zips her mouth.)

Jacqueline Seka: Okay, Facebook break!

(The cougars all pick up their iPhones on the table in front and start texting, web browsing, etc.)

Barbara Lincoln: (Looking at her phone.) …Becoming fans of Zac Efron!

Jacqueline Seka: (Looking at her phone.) 25 random things about me!

Toni Ward: I’m poking someone… Kenneth…

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth…

Barbara Lincoln: Kenneth…

Toni Ward: Kenneth, I’m poking you.

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth… Kenneth.

Barbara Lincoln: Kenneth…

(KENNETH, old w/gray hair & mustache has a headset on and clipboard in hand. He stands non-responsive.)

Kenneth: You know, I'd poke you back but I’m scared something might fall off.

(The cougars give Kenneth a blank stare. Kenneth gives a stern stare as his eyes widen.)

Toni Ward: Our first guest has written a book entitled, “Stop that Boy I Want to Get On!” Please welcome Blaine Bagby.

(BLAINE, salt-and-pepper haired, wearing a tan suit & black shirt, graces the set. He joins the cougars in their odd dance to “Smooth”. A few beats later, they stop and take their seats.)

Blaine Bagby: Hello ladies. I’m major, major, major, major, major, ma-jor excited to be here! As you know, I’m a cou-gay! And as a cou-gay, I face many of the same obstacles you ladies do -- mainly how to keep it tight, right, and in the light.

(Blaine snaps his fingers back and forth. The cougars nod their heads and agree amongst another.)

Cougars: You go. Mhmm…

Jacqueline Seka: You tell it, Gay Cougar!

Blaine Bagby: And even though I’m known in the gay community for my selfishness, I couldn't take full credit. I co-wrote this with our good friend Kiki Deamore. Come on out here, Kiki!

(Everyone starts dancing in strange rhythm to “Smooth”. KIKI saunters ontothe set and pumps her chest to the music. All involved sit down.)

Kiki Deamore: (in a Spanish accent) Oh it so good to be back. Working on this book with Bland was a passion pro-hect.

Blaine Bagby: Literary passion, not sexual.

Kiki Deamore: Oh no, no, no. Because he, uh, you know, he, uh, I like young boys...And he’s a gay.

Blaine Bagby: And she’s a uno-vahina, which is one too many uno-vahina for me.

Kiki Deamore: Anyway, we worked on this day and afternoon. We almost spent a 45 minutes at the Kinko’s.

Jacqueline Seka: It’s only 30 pages and I love that.

Toni Ward: It’s like a pamphlet, but only a little bit thicker. Now, what would you call that?

Blaine Bagby: A thick pamphlet.

(Kiki points both hands to her head, then her crotch.)

Kiki Deamore: I like them thick there and thick here.

Blaine Bagby: We’re talking about the pamphlet, Kiki. I beg you to stay on track.

Kiki Deamore: Okay.

Jacqueline Seka: My favorite part is in Chapter 54 where you talk about checking ID’s.

Blaine Bagby: Let me tell you something, sisters... checking ID’s is essential, because these boys will lie. Especially if they think it’s going to get them a snowboard or a Paul Frank monkey wallet.

Kiki Deamore: Or a hummer in the back of a Hummer.

Toni Ward: Well, you don’t have tell me about ID’s. Last year, I met a striking, young Puerto Rican man at a McDonald’s play place. After I bought him an Oreo McFlurry, he told me he was 21 and I took him home. Three weeks later, I found out he was 12 and a half.

Blaine Bagby: Oh my god, that just made my wig system stand on end.

Kiki Deamore: And my extension fell out!

Toni Ward: Ladies, you know what I do when my extension, when they fall out: I braid ‘em, put a bead on ‘em, tie ‘em… boom, it’s a bracelet. Okay, Ped Egg break!

Jacqueline Seka: Ped Egg break!

Barbara Lincoln: Break!

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth…

Toni Ward: Kenneth...

Jacqueline Seka: Our Ped Egg reservoirs are full.

Toni Ward: Yes, Kenneth… all the shavings. Lots of shavings.

Jacqueline Seka: The chambers are full of shavings!

Toni Ward: Full of shavings, Kenneth!

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth…

Toni Ward: Kenneth…

Kenneth: What you need to worry about shaving is your upper lips!

(The cougars, Blaine, and Kiki stare long and silent at Kenneth. Kenneth’s becomes bug-eyed and clenches his lower jaw.)

Toni Ward: It’s time to introduce our new boyfriends - Brendan, Brendan, and Braden. Come on out, boys.

Jacqueline Seka: Come to mumma’s!

(3 young looking guys walk out, scared.)

Kiki Deamore: Oh yoy, these boys are so delicioso. Like three hot mucha noches Cuban sandwiches with the big pickle. And I like the pickle.

Jacqueline Seka: Come, boys, sit down. Come on.

(The cougars are reclined in a 45 degree angle on the couch, giving direction to the laps.)

Toni Ward: Have a seat.

Jacqueline Seka: Sit down, right here.

Brendan: Nah, I’m alright.

Branden & Bryan: Yeah, we're good. We’re good, yeah.

(The cougars resume normal posture on the couch.)

Toni Ward: Do you see the chemistry that is going on here?

Blaine Bagby: It is palpable.

(Blaine surveys the backsides of all the boyfriends.)

Kenneth: The only chemistry I see is your bodies breaking down.

(Except the boyfriends, everyone on set stares at Kenneth. Kenneth, chin tilted up and eyes wide open, stares back.)

Jacqueline Seka: Uh oh! What’s wrong with Kiki?

(Kiki crawls over Blaine with her hands clawed in direction of the boyfriends.)

Blaine Bagby: Get them out of here! She’s going to pounce!

(Kenneth rushes in and pushes the boyfriends off the set. Kiki has gotten a hold of Brendan #2, but Kenneth breaks him free.)

Kenneth: Get out of here! Get out of here! Kiki, keep what’s in your pants to yourself!

(Blaine restrains Kiki. Kiki waves her arms in frenetic motions.)

Blaine Bagby: Keep them someplace safe. Like my dressing room.

Toni Ward: Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week, when we bring you our annual show from Dianne Lane’s yard.

(“Smooth” begins. Blaine and all the ladies start to dance.)

SUPER: The Cougar Den.


Submitted by: Allison Porter & Cody

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