Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16


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08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
Oscar Rogers.....Kenan Thompson
Angelina Jolie.....Abby Elliott
Angie Tempura.....Michaela Watkins
Joaquin Phoenix.....Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: "Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers".

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories:

The Senate, on Friday, gave final approval to the $787 billion economic stimulus package. The 1,073-page bill is titled "The American Recovery And Reinvestment Act". Though, what many see as a troubling sign, it's subtitled "For Dummies".

NASA reported that two communications satellites, on Tuesday, collided in orbit, which explains why my OnStar kept screaming, "Save yourself!"

Barack Obama, on Tuesday, became the tenth American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House press conference. And she asked the same first question she always does: "How will you end slavery?"

In an interview with ESPN, Alex Rodriguez admitted, Monday, that he's taken steroids, though apparently, never in October.

Seth Meyers: Yesterday, the economic stimulus package was passed by the Senate. Here to comment, is Weekend update's very own financial expert, Oscar Rogers.

Oscar Rogers: Hello, Seth! How are you, Seth?

Seth Meyers: Hi, Oscar. You seem like you're in good spirits.

Oscar Rogers: I am, Seth. I really am. You know, I've appeared on the show several times, in order to illustrate how we might fix our present economic woes. And I am thrilled to announce that it has been FIXED! Obama and his stimulus plan FIXED IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay, so you're not worried at all that the stimulus might falter?

Oscar Rogers: Oh, no no no -- they FIXED IT!!

Seth Meyers: Okay. But what if...

Oscar Rogers: FIXED IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Oscar Rogers: This influx of money into our economy will FIX IT! And, now, with Valentine's upon us, we can celebrate and DO IT!

Seth Meyers: What are you talking about?

Oscar Rogers: DO IT! You know... doing it with your valentine. You have a valentine, Seth?

Seth Meyers: No, no. Not at the moment.

Oscar Rogers: Well, you need to FIX THAT! So you can DO IT with your valentine. It's a three-step process: 1. DO IT! 2. Rest yourself. 3. Do it once more. And, 4. Bag it up and do it again!

Seth Meyers: First of all, that was a four-step process.

Oscar Rogers: I know! I work with numbers.

Seth Meyers: Do you? Let me make sure I understand you correctly. Uh -- the economy has been fixed, and now it's time to have sex?

Oscar Rogers: Oh, I didn't say that. I said it was time to DO IT! It needs to be dirty. 'Cause once it's FIXED, it's time to DO IT!

Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone!

Oscar Rogers: Happy Valentines!

Seth Meyers: While on a goodwill trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma Hayek nursed another woman's baby boy. However, the moment was marred when the baby burst.

Hayek said she nursed the boy because she noticed he was hungry. And, in a related story: [ mocks crying ] "Waah!"

Angelina Jolie: Hey, sweet pea.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Angelina Jolie. What are you doing here?

Angelina Jolie: I heard a baby crying.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Okay, well, that was me. It was a joke.

Angelina Jolie: So, is there a baby out here?

Seth Meyers: Uh, no, Angelina. There's no baby here.

Angelina Jolie: Oh. [ points ] Is that a baby?

Seth Meyers: No, that's a cameraman.

Angelina Jolie: Well, what's that he's holding? Is that a baby?

Seth Meyers: No, no, that's a camera.

Angelina Jolie: Well, let me know if you see any babies, sugarplum.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So... are you excited about the Oscars?

Angelina Jolie: Bye.

[ she exits ]

Seth Meyers: Bye. Angelina Jolie, everyone.

Federal prosecutors want to send former mayor and current Washington, D.C. Council member, Marion Barry, to jail because they say he failed to file tax returns for 8 of the last 9 years. Barry is expected to plead, "Bitch set me up!"

Dr. Michael Kamrava, the in vitro fertilization specialist, who helped Nadia Suleman conceive eight babies has reportedly impregnated a 49-year-old woman with quadruplets. I don't know what an appointment with Dr. Kamrava is like, but I imagine it starts a little something like this: [ rubs his hands together in a greedy manner ]

Seth Meyers: As the Oscars approach, coverage and criticism of the various nominees has been ramping up, especially among celebrity bloggers. Here with a no holds barred commentary, from the notoriously snarky website, bitchpleeze.com, blogger Angie Tempura.

[ Angie Tempura appears, sipping from a frozen Starbucks treat ]

Angie Tempura: [ low-key ] Hi, Seth. It's a thrill to be here.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Alright, Angie, go ahead.

Angie Tempura: Okay. Here's who's hot, and who's definitely not. In Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams. [ image: Amy Adams with "What's Up?" and an up arrow drawn on ] As a princess in "Enchanted", she's hot. As a nun in "Doubt", she's not! Bi-i-i-itch, please!

Speaking of doubt, I doubt Marisa Tomei will win with those B-cups! [ image: Marisa Tomei with circles drawn over her breasts with "B cups" pointing to them ]

[ Angie Tempura snaps her fingers and dances in her seat, then sips her Starbucks ]

Angie Tempura: And, Taraji P. Hanson? [ image: Taraji P. Hanson with "WTF" written over her ] WTF? Is that a name? Or a blood disease?

Seth Meyers: That is pretty critical. Let me just ask: Is blogging your full-time job?

Angie Tempura: No. I do data entry at Kaiser Permanente.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Well, continue.

Angie Tempura: Okay. Best schmactor. Here's who should win the Oscar the Grouch Award: Brad The Pitts! [ image: Brad Pitt, with "The Pitts" written over him ] For his role in "The Curious Case of Some Old Man Baby"! [ she shakes her body and sips her Starbucks ]

Speaking of old men: Frank Langella, in "Frost/Nixon". [ image: Frank Langella ] More like: who's that. and who gives a F?

And don't get me started on Robert "The Downer" Jr. [ image: Robert Downey, Jr., with circle drawn around his face and "Dumb Face" scribbled next to it ] I hope he doesn't win anything ever except first place in a human stain contest!

Seth Meyers: Why do you hate these people so much?

Angie Tempura: Because they're losers.

Seth Meyers: Can I just ask you one thing? Do you know who the president is?

[ she laughs, but doesn't answer ]

Seth Meyers: And can you find North America on this map?

[ she looks, then just makes noises with her mouth ]

Seth Meyers: And what's the name of that brown-haired guy on TMZ?

Angie Tempura: Harvey Levin.

Seth Meyers: Alright, that's enough! Blogger Angie Pempura, everyone. Get out of here. Drink your coffee. Have some coffee.

Colonel Sanders' handwritten recipe for fried chicken was returned to KFC headquarters in Kentucky this week, after five months in hiding while security around it was upgraded. Spoiler alert: it's salt, everybody! The secret ingredient is salt!

A homeless man in Florida, who claimed to be the drummer for the rock band Foreigner, allegedly tricked a woman into letting him use her Corvette and then promptly crashed it. Fortunately, he got out of jail in time to make his appearance on Letterman. [ image: Joaquin Phoenix ]

[ Seth turns to discover Joaquin Phoenix seated next to him ]

Seth Meyers: Noooo! Joaquin Phoenix.

[ Phoenix looks at Seth, then just scratches his beard without uttering a word ]

Seth Meyers: So, um... what's up, man?

[ Phoenix looks down at the floor, then returns his gaze to Seth ]

Joaquin Phoenix: What?

Seth Meyers: Um... so, uh, I-I-I just heard you were quitting acting to pursue a hip-hop career.

Joaquin Phoenix: Yeah. [ no elaboration ]

Seth Meyers: Good for you.

Joaquin Phoenix: Yeah. But now I'm quitting hip-hop... to pursue a telling jokes career.

Seth Meyers: A telling jokes career?

[ Phoenix's only response is to look up into the rafters ]

Seth Meyers: Lights.

Joaquin Phoenix: [ he looks up again ] Yeah.

Seth Meyers: So, since you're out here, do you want to tell a joke?

Joaquin Phoenix: [ straightening his cuffs ] Yeah. [ he points toward the camera, until he notices the accompanying image next to his head ] "Tiger woods' wife gave birth... to the couple's second child. It's a baby boy... who came in at 7 pounds, 8 ounces under par." [ he looks around and smiles ]

[ Seth starts to comment, but Phoenix quickly wheels himself away from the set ]

Seth Meyers: We need better security out here!

Police in Ohio say an 18-year-old ordered more than $37,000 worth of candy online and charged the bill to his former high school. Though, if you're 18 and the only thing you can think of to spend $37,000 on is candy, maybe a little jail time will do you some good.

Today is Valentine's Day, so we just want to say to everyone watching at home: Better luck next year!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!


SNL Transcripts