Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17










08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Lighthouse Date

Guy.....Dwayne Johnson
Date.....Kristen Wiig
Captain.....Will Forte
First Mate.....Andy Samberg
Sailor 1.....Bill Hader
Sailor 2.....Bobby Moynihan
Jet Skiier.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on night exterior, lighthouse on cliff ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Guy brings Date up to the top of the lighthouse ]

Guy: So! This is my place!

Date: [ impressed ] Wow! You live in a lighthouse? This is SO romantic!

Guy: Yeah, uh, I'm kind of the Don Juan of marine safety!

Date: [ giggles ] Ooh, I'll be the judge of that!

[ Guy moves in to kiss his date, then he stops ]

Guy: You know what? Hold on. Let me just... set the mood.

Date: Okay.

[ he shuts the beacon light off ]

Date: That's better!

[ suddenly, a crash sounds below ]

[ cut to the jagged rocks below, where a Captain and his First Mate lie sprawled on their backs as waves splash upon them ]

Captain: Oh, Krewe of Poseidon!! We've been scuttleholed!!

First Mate: The rocks came out of nowheres!! Why didn't anyone warn us?!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: You know what? I'm just gonna turn this light back on. [ he flips the switch ] Now... where were we?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below ]

Captain: Pleeeeeease!! If anyone can hear us... sing out!!

First Mate: Captain! The beacon! It shines!

Captain: But, WHERE was it before?! Ohhh, what evil trick is this?!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Do you hear that? It sounds like screaming.

Guy: I... hear my... heart screaming... that it wants you.

[ she blushes ]

Guy: Let me throw on a little music. [ he turns the stereo on, as salsa music emerges ] Do you like salsa?

Date: [ she laughs coyly ] I like eating it!

Guy: [ he laughs ] Well, then I hope your ears are hungry!

[ he claps his hands to the music, but the beacon light shuts off ]

Date: What happened?

Guy: I guess this lighthouse is hooked up to The Clapper. That's weird.

[ another crash sounds below ]

Voice: Our ship's been torn asunder!!

Date: Did someone just yell... rocks?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a pair of sailors now spread across the captain and his first mate ]

Sailor 1: St. Elmo has forsaken us!! Our vessel is ruined!!

Sailor 2: But what of the lighthouse?! Is no one manning it?!

Captain: Ayeee!!! The Devil himself!!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: M-maybe I should just keep this on. [ he flips the beacon light back on ]

Date: Are you sure there's no one down there?

Guy: No! It -- it's whales, and... and they say the only way to calm them is with the sound of two near-strangers making love. [ his date swoons ] But they'll also, uh, accept a B.J.

Date: I'm gonna go down there.

Guy: Ah, that's what I like to hear! [ he begins to pull his shirt out of his pants ] Oh, wait... you mean, to go check on the people. I mean, the WHALES! I agree! But, before you do... let's have a drink. Do you like, uh, margaritas?

Date: No. I adore them.

Guy: [ he chuckles ] One margarita coming up!

[ he starts the blender, which causes an electrical short in the lighthouse that culminates in the beacon light shutting off again ]

[ another crash sounds below ]

Voice: WHAT THE HELL?!!

Date: [ astonished ] Okay, now what was that?!

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a jetskiier now moored aside the captain, his first mate, and the sailors ]

Jetskiier: HEY!! How am I -- [ a wave splashes him across the face ] How am I supposed to take a midnight jet ski if there's no lighthouse?!

Captain: Steel yourelf, men!! There's a sea beast about us!!

Sailor 1: Run 'im through!!!

[ they all begin to attack the jetskiier with various pieces of timber from their boats ]

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Okay, someone clearly needs help!

Guy: You're -- you're right -- you're right! We should organize a search party. [ a beat ] I'm gonna check underneath that dress.

Date: [ she points a finger at him ] I do not like your double entendres -- I love them! And I don't care if there are whales down there, 'cause the only whale in here is gonna be you wailing on my fanny.

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, where the jetskiier lies dead across his vessel ]

Captain: What in Davey Jones' locker is going on that lighthouse?!

[ they all scream as the waves pound harder upon them ]

First Mate: What do we do now, Captain?

Captain: We wait here -- FOR DEATH!!

[ fade ]


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