Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne


MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
MacGyver... Richard Dean Anderson
Doctor.....Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. MacGyver.....Abby Elliott
Assistant.....Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!"

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: "MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!"

[CUT to a toxic oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Toxic Oil Refinery." CUT to a sign marked "Oil Refinery Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! And from the looks of that dynamite we've got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room... Vicky, toss me that pen cap!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: New guy! What's your name again?

MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.

MacGruber: MacGyver? that's a stupid name... MacGyver! Pass me that thumbtack!

MacGyver: I'd go with the gum wrapper.

MacGruber: Aaaanndd... I care about what you're saying, because...?

MacGyver: I'm just saying, I'd do it a little differently.

MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you're not MacGruber!

MacGyver: [ smugly ] That's what you think.

MacGruber: What's that supposed to mean?

Vicky: Ten seconds!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a... cold, December night...

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: "Abandoned Hospital 1972" ]

[ cut to interior, hospital room, the same set as the Oil Refinery Control Room ]

Doctor: It's a boy, Mr. MacGyver. [ hands the baby to its mother ] What are you going to call him?

MacGyver: [ proudly ] MacGruber!

Doctor: [ confused ] MacGruber MacGyver?

[ Mrs. MacGyver rolls her eyes as well ]

MacGyver: The perfect name for the perfect baby!

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ Hydrogen Sensor needle bounces from OK to DANGER ]

MacGyver: [ grabs his newborn son ] Don't you worry, MacGruber! Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you! Not on my watc --

[CUT to the abandoned hospital exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking at a photograph of himself as a toddler with MacGyver ]

MacGruber: Dickh --

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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