Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17








08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber III

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
MacGyver... Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
"MacGruber!
Their father-son relationship has gone into the dumper!
MacGruber!
He wishes that his dad had reversed his vasectomy!
MacGruber!
His dad's a freakin' butt-hole!"

[CUT to MacGyver in a karate pose against footage of flames, as MacGruber flips him off from behind and reverts to thumbs-up when MacGyver suddenly turns around.]

Singers: "MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!"

[CUT to an hijacked cocaine tanker. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Hijacked Cocaine Tanker." CUT to a sign marked "Tanker Control Room" as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] It's locked!

Vicky: That's not all, MacGruber! From the looks of that dirty bomb, we've got exactly twenty seconds!!

MacGruber: Okay, don't worry, Vicky, because I will get the two of us out of here! [ MacGyver rolls his eyes ] Now, hand me that electrical wire!

Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Tell the person on your right to hand me that paperclip, and tell him to go take a long walk off a very short pier.

MacGyver: [ handing her the paperclip ] Vicky... tell the person who asked for this that his mother and I always wanted a girl, and we were delighted we got one.

[ MacGruber laughs condescendingly ]

Vicky: Okay, here, MacGruber. [ hands over the paperclip ]

MacGruber: Okay, Vicky -- tell the same guy that, when he dies, I will scatter his ashes in my toilet, and then I will scatter something else over that.

MacGyver: Oh, good! I hope you do!

MacGruber: GOOD! Then, I will!

MacGyver: GOOD!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!!!

MacGruber: I will NEVER... EVER!! forgive you!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!! I hope you don't!!

[ Vicky stares disjointedly at the two men. The tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife made from a paperclip. ]

MacGruber: Let's get back to the...

[CUT to the tanker exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to outerspace scene, as a spaceport drifts past. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "spaceport 2040." CUT to a sign marked "Space Port Control Room".]

Vicky: MacGruber, I'm... sorry for your loss. Your dad was a good man.

MacGruber: [ solemn ] Yeah. I was just thinking about something I said about him in anger, long ago.

Vicky: Um... do you want some alone time?

MacGruber: No. I want you to be here for this.

[ reveal longshot of MacGruber seated on toilet ] Goodbye, Dad. [ he pushes the urn between his legs, then flushes ]

[ a moment of silence ]

MacGruber: Now, where were we?

Vicky: One second, MacGruber!!!

[ MacGruber jumps to his feet, his bare ass dangling in the wind ]

[CUT to the spaceport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]


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