Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:



March 14th, 2009

Tracy Morgan

Kelly Clarkson

None

John Cena

Tina Fey

Lorne Michaels

Emily Spivey

John Lutz

Tracy Returns
Summary: Tracy Morgan returns to host "Saturday Night Live" and is ready to coldcock anyone who gets in his way.

Transcript


Montage


Tracy Morgan's Monologue
Summary: Tracy Morgan accuses the media of making his exploits sound more ghetto than they are in reality.

Note: Tracy Morgan was a cast member from 1996-2003.

Transcript


Chewable Pampers
Summary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious.

Note: Repeat from 08n.


Brian Fellow's Safari Planet
Summary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) welcomes a cow and a red-tailed hawk.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.


The View
Summary: On-remote from Disneyland, Sherri Shephard (Tracy Morgan) has never heard of any of the things the other panelists are discussing.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback.


Scared Straight
Summary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Kendrick McEntire (Tracy Morgan) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Transcript


Dateline
Summary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) further revels in the misery of his interview subjects.

Recurring Characters: Keith Morrison.

Transcript


Astronaut Jones
Summary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) encounter a transvestite alien (Andy Samberg) in outer space.

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript


Kelly Clarkson performs "My Life Would Suck Without You"
Lyrics


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: John Malkovich (Bill Hader) tries to contain his anger after getting swindled by Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme. Tracy Morgan briefly asks "Really?!?" Barbie (Kristen Wiig) celebrates her fiftieth birthday by trying to down a drink without the benefit of elbows.

Recurring Characters: Barbie.

Transcript


Big Love
Summary: Bill (Jason Sudeikis) introduces his Mormon wives (Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson) to fourth wife Fantasia Divine (Tracy Morgan).

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: "Party Guys" Bill Hader and Andy Samberg point out the odd sorts they spot at a lame party.

Transcript


Suppressex
Summary: Dr. Ricky Lamayne (Tracy Morgan) advertises a pill that suppresses untimely erections.

Transcript


High IQ
Summary: Braniac contestants (Jason Sudeikis, Darrell Hammond, Michaela Watkins) are distracted from working out their final answer by crazy sideshow theatrics of the host's (Tracy Morgan) acquaintances.


Kelly Clarkson performs "I Do Not Hook Up"


Family Flix
Summary: While discussing his new film, "Rocket Dog", Percy T. Douglas (Tracy Morgan) reveals the ending and a carnage count of dogs and actors who appeared in the film.

Transcript


Gas Right
Summary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one's butt cheeks.

Note: Repeat from 08j.


Goodnights
Transcript





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