08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson
Announcer: Coming up next: the HBO original series... "Big Love".
[ dissolve to opening theme credits, the foursome spinning as a group circle to the sound of "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys ]
Barb: Where's Bill? He said he'd be home by now.
Margene: Hey, guys... whose baby is this?
[ Bill enters the house ]
Bill: Girls! Girls! I have some big news for the family -- please sit! [ the women sit ] Now, a man couldn't ask for three finer Mormon wives than YOU! Barb... with your steady hand, and your menopause --
Barb: Thank you.
Bill: And Nicolette... with your beloved voice --
Nicolette: I ALREADY know I have a BEAUTIFUL voice, Bill!
Bill: And Margene -- dear, sweet Margene. Oh, Sweetie? Sweetie, I think you blinked and you forgot to open your eyes again.
Margene: [ she opens her eyes ] Oh! It was DARK in there!
Bill: Now, the three of you mean the WORLD to me! We are a beautiful family... and we're about to become even MORE beautiful.
Barb: Bill? You don't mean..?
Bill: That's right! A FOURTH wife! [ he turns to face the door ] Fantasia!
[ an obvious black man in drag enters the house ]
Bill: Girls? This is our NEW wife -- Fantasia Divine!
Fantasia: What's up!
Bill: Isn't she a dream?
Margene: Fantasia! Your name is so unique. What kind of name is it?
Fantasia: A FAKE one!
Nicolette: How did you two meet?
Bill: Oh, it was the most romantic place! [ to Fantasia ] What was it called, honey?
Fantasia: Hertz Rent-A-Car!
Bill: That's right. Yeah. I was returning a van, and she was wandering around in the parking lot.
Fantasia: Bill has told me ALL about you guys! I can't wait to join the Church of More-Man!
Nicolette: Bill? Can we have a talk with you? Alone?
Bill: Sure, sure.
[ Bill kisses Fantasia on the cheek, then huddles with his other three wives ]
Bill: What is it?
Barb: Bill, you know I love you.
Margene: We ALL love you!
Nicolette: Well, let him finish!
Margene: He's not even talking!
Bill: Okay, ladies... ladies, look! Look, I know all of this is sudden, all of you must have questions. Let's hear them!
Barb: Okay... here's a question: Is that a man?
Bill: [ angered ] Jealousy doesn't become you, Barb!
Margene: But, if that's not a man... why is he shaving?
[ reveal Fantasia sitting in a chair running an electric razor across his face ]
[ cut to the end credits of the fivesome spinning as a group circle ]
Announcer: "Big Love". Yep... it's a dude.
[ fade ]