Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18










08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Big Love

Bill.....Jason Sudeikis
Barb.....Kristen Wiig
Nicolette.....Abby Elliott
Margene.....Casey Wilson
Fantasia.....Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Coming up next: the HBO original series... "Big Love".

[ dissolve to opening theme credits, the foursome spinning as a group circle to the sound of "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys ]

Barb: Where's Bill? He said he'd be home by now.

Margene: Hey, guys... whose baby is this?

[ Bill enters the house ]

Bill: Girls! Girls! I have some big news for the family -- please sit! [ the women sit ] Now, a man couldn't ask for three finer Mormon wives than YOU! Barb... with your steady hand, and your menopause --

Barb: Thank you.

Bill: And Nicolette... with your beloved voice --

Nicolette: I ALREADY know I have a BEAUTIFUL voice, Bill!

Bill: And Margene -- dear, sweet Margene. Oh, Sweetie? Sweetie, I think you blinked and you forgot to open your eyes again.

Margene: [ she opens her eyes ] Oh! It was DARK in there!

Bill: Now, the three of you mean the WORLD to me! We are a beautiful family... and we're about to become even MORE beautiful.

Barb: Bill? You don't mean..?

Bill: That's right! A FOURTH wife! [ he turns to face the door ] Fantasia!

[ an obvious black man in drag enters the house ]

Bill: Girls? This is our NEW wife -- Fantasia Divine!

Fantasia: What's up!

Bill: Isn't she a dream?

Barb: She?

Margene: Fantasia! Your name is so unique. What kind of name is it?

Fantasia: A FAKE one!

Nicolette: How did you two meet?

Bill: Oh, it was the most romantic place! [ to Fantasia ] What was it called, honey?

Fantasia: Hertz Rent-A-Car!

Bill: That's right. Yeah. I was returning a van, and she was wandering around in the parking lot.

Fantasia: Bill has told me ALL about you guys! I can't wait to join the Church of More-Man!

Nicolette: Bill? Can we have a talk with you? Alone?

Bill: Sure, sure.

[ Bill kisses Fantasia on the cheek, then huddles with his other three wives ]

Bill: What is it?

Barb: Bill, you know I love you.

Margene: We ALL love you!

Nicolette: Well, let him finish!

Margene: He's not even talking!

Bill: Okay, ladies... ladies, look! Look, I know all of this is sudden, all of you must have questions. Let's hear them!

Barb: Okay... here's a question: Is that a man?

Bill: [ angered ] Jealousy doesn't become you, Barb!

Margene: But, if that's not a man... why is he shaving?

[ reveal Fantasia sitting in a chair running an electric razor across his face ]

Bill: Duh-oh!

[ cut to the end credits of the fivesome spinning as a group circle ]

Announcer: "Big Love". Yep... it's a dude.

[ fade ]


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